Over three weeks since I last ate any chocolate, but in the night I dreamed I ate a Mars Bar (A Mars Bar? Is there such a bar? My subconscious must have just created it) and then once I had the taste for my own personal heroin I crammed my mouth full. Do calories consumed in your dreams count? I hope not. But maybe I was sleep-walking and had broken into a sweet shop. If only I could sleep-walk on a treadmill then all would be fine with the world.
It would be harsh if the stuff in our dreams counted in real life. It would be pretty tough to keep a relationship going for starters. My subconscious has no care for fidelity. And to be honest, given that he can sleep with anyone he so desires has surprisingly little imagination or taste. He could be at an orgy every night with Amy Pond, Lily Cole and Anne Widdecombe, but that hardly ever happens. My subconscious is a prick. You can hear him on the Collings and Herrin podcasts if you need any confirmation of that.
I was back at the British Library this afternoon to sit on the panel for a discussion about how far is too far in comedy. It was the usual slightly scrappy affair, with broad consensus amongst the speakers that freedom of speech was more important than anything, but with me trying (and I think failing) to make the point that there is a point where comedy can go too far. Or at least where just parroting "freedom of speech" is not enough to get someone off the hook. After all Carol Thatcher claimed freedom of speech for her "golliwog" comment, but I think the One Show did the right thing in sacking her for it.
Actually fuck it, I was going to get embroiled in the whole thing again, but I am going to leave it. Not sure I can say anything you haven't heard already.
Instead I will share with you another delightful (and some might say insane) email I got today from another Christian who hasn't seen the show, but decides to judge it anyway.
"Dear Richard,
Heard you on Radio 4 and was especially interested in your Christ on a Bike clip. Having looked at other comments online, I can't work out whether you are an atheist who thinks Jesus was a historical figure or you believe that he was just the right person at the right time for a Messiah hungry Israel; or that you have just written off Christianity because Christians don't seem very Christ like.
I was sent the following today and it could be construed as Christians saying we're all right, shame about the rest of you poor unbelieving sods. But if there is a God, is it worth messing with him?
Death is certain but the Bible speaks about untimely death!
It is written in the Bible (Galatians 6:7):
'Be not deceived; God is not mocked for
whatsoever a man sow, that shall he also reap..
Here are some men and women who mocked God :
John Lennon (Singer):
Some years before, during his interview with an American Magazine,
he said:
'Christianity will end, it will disappear.
I do not have to argue about that.
I am certain.
Jesus was ok, but his subjects were too simple, today we are more
famous than Him' (1966).
Lennon, after saying that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ, was shot six times.
Tancredo Neves - (President of Brazil ):
During the Presidential campaign, he said if he got 500,000 votes
from his party, not even God would remove him from Presidency.
Sure he got the votes, but he got sick a day before being made President, then he died..
Cazuza - (Brazilian composer, singer and poet):
During a show in Canecio ( Rio de Janeiro ),
while smoking his cigarette, he puffed out some smoke into the air
and said:'God, that's for you.'
He died at the age of 32 of LUNG CANCER in a horrible manner....
The man who built the Titanic
After the construction of Titanic, a reporter asked him how safe the
Titanic would be.
With an ironic tone he said:
'Not even God can sink it'
The result: I think you all know what happened to the Titanic
(INTERESTING IN THIS CASE THAT GOD CHOSE TO PUNISH THE PEOPLE ON THE SHIP WHO HAD DONE NOTHING WRONG RATHER THAN THE MAN WHO HAD MADE THE, LET'S FACE IT, NOT ALL THAT SACRILEGIOUS STATEMENT... IF A POINTS WORTH MAKING IT DOESN'T MATTER ABOUT KILLING A FEW THOUSAND INNOCENT PEOPLE.
Marilyn Monroe - (Actress)
She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show.
He said the Spirit of God had sent him to preach to her
After hearing what the Preacher had to say, she said:
'I don't need your Jesus'
A week later, she was found dead in her apartment
(IT TOOK GOD A DECADE AND A HALF TO TAKE HIS VENGEANCE ON LENNON, BUT MONROE GOT TAKEN OUT IN A WEEK)
Bon Scott - (Singer)
The ex-vocalist of the AC/DC. On one of his 1979 songs he sang:
'Don't stop me; I'm going down all the way, down the highway to hell'.
On the 19th of February 1980, Bon Scott was found dead, he had been choked by his own vomit.
Campinas (IN 2005)
In Campinas , Brazil a group of friends, drunk, went to pick up a friend..... The mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried about the drunkenness of her friends and she said to the daughter
holding her hand, who was already seated in the car:
'My Daughter, Go With God And May He Protect You.'
She responded: 'Only If He (God) Travels In The Trunk, Cause
Inside Here.....It's Already Full '
Hours later, news came by that they had been involved in a fatal accident, everyone had died, the car could not be recognized what type of car it had been, but surprisingly, the trunk was intact.
The police said there was no way the trunk could have remained intact. To their surprise, inside the trunk was a crate of eggs, none was broken.
(NOW I THINK IT'S FAIR TO SAY THAT THIS ONE NEVER HAPPENED. BUT I WOULD SUGGEST GOD SHOULD PUNISH THE MOTHER FOR LETTING HER CHILD GO IN A CAR WITH DRUNKS RATHER THAN THE DAUGHTER WHO WAS ONLY MAKING A JOKE ABOUT HOW FULL THE CAR WAS- THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NOT WANTING TO BE MOCKED AND HAVING ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE OF HUMOUR. AND AGAIN GOD KILLED ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE CAR FOR THIS INNOCUOUS COMMENT. I DON'T THINK I WANT TO SHARE HEAVEN WITH A GOD THAT IS THAT MUCH OF A PRICK)
Christine Hewitt - (Jamaican Journalist and entertainer)said the
Bible (Word of God) was the worst book ever written..
In June 2006 she was found burnt beyond recognition in her motor vehicle.
(GOD HATES LITERARY CRITICISM)
Many more important people have forgotten that there is no other name
that was given so much authority as the name of Jesus.
Many have died, but only Jesus died and rose again, and he is still
alive.
Be thankful that in the UK you can say what you like about religion or any other structure you might not appreciate, unfortunately for many Christians they can't even read a Bible in their own home without being thrown in prison. Just remember God knows your heart and your mind better than you do.
Best wishes for 2011"
Once again the threats followed by the best wishes.
I did reply to her and said I thought that maybe she'd be more comfortable following the religion of the Ancient Jews who believed in a vengeful God, rather than follow Christ who was mainly about forgiveness. But I also told her I could furnish her with a list of all the Christians who had met grizzly ends (nearly all of Jesus' close mates were killed in horrible ways and let's not forget what happened to Jesus himself) or a list of people who had said bad things about God and had nothing noticeably awful happen to them (though, you know, we all die in the end, usually in not altogether pleasant ways so it's hard to be sure). What about the people who have done nothing wrong but end up having horrible deaths? Like children getting raped and killed for example. Is God avenging Himself on them too or is he just having a laugh. Perhaps he has a sense of humour like Frankie Boyle. Maybe that's why He made disabled people, so he could laugh at them. Who knows?
But at least this Christian has given me some more material for the tour. I didn't read the whole letter tonight, but probably will tomorrow, which means if you want to see the Pope letter that I have been doing in London up to now then you'll have to buy "Someone Likes Yoghurt" on DVD.
He might not like people mocking Him, but God does seem willing to get his followers to send me some great material.
The skateboard auction was won by John Reynolds (who also got the shirt and is possibly setting up a Lee and Herring museum) who paid £130 to SCOPE in return. Thanks to Paul Durbar for donating the skateboard and paying for the postage. And for his wife for having to work out how to parcel up a skateboard. I will see what other junk I can find for future auctions in the hope that we can raise loads more money for SCOPE and/or bankrupt John Reynolds.
