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I do a lot of work for charity, but I don’t like to talk about it, as you know, infuriating the charities I work with who desperately need the publicity. So far 100% of my gigs in 2016 have been for charitable causes and tonight’s was for Alcohol Concern and promoting Dry January. Mostly when you do charity gigs there are free, crisps, Celebrations and booze backstage and I can usually consume enough to equal a normal comedy fee, thus looking like I am charitable, whilst actually looking after number one. Sometimes there are Haribo and I have occasionally eaten enough of those at a gig to put the charity concerned out of business. But tonight I had just bolted down a roast chicken dinner (that I had cooked for my wife and I, though she had to eat it cold as our baby is refusing to go to sleep before 8pm at the moment) and so couldn’t force in any of the Pret a Manger sandwiches and only managed to take two bits of flapjack for my pudding. And there wasn’t any booze on offer (which was OK for me as I am still not drinking), only Lipton’s Ice Tea. Lipton’s were kindly sponsoring the event so there was quite a lot of it. But you know, if I wanted to drink tea at a gig I would want it to be hot tea. Lipton’s are so mean they won’t even pay for their tea to be warmed up. Not even by adding some vodka or whisky to it.
I followed a lyrical Arthur Smith, who no longer drinks alcohol, but mainly because he used to drink so much that it very nearly killed him (lightweight) and had the luxury of 20 minutes to try out some of my newer material. Some of it was a bit full on for this 300 strong crowd, but it was only in the last minute that I suddenly twigged why the reaction, whilst warm enough, was slightly muted. The audience weren’t drinking either. They were all full to the brim with cold tea. And there’s a reason why they don’t generally serve icy tea at comedy gigs. Because comedians really require at least 75% of the audience to be tipsy to drunk to get proper laughs. Because none of us are actually funny unless you are drunk. If you are not enjoying my blogs please consider downing a half bottle of whisky before you read them. They will be a lot funnier. Or make you really angry. One of the two.
I got my biggest laugh as I voiced this sudden realisation of this unusual sobriety, just before I left the stage.
At least we weren’t risking that common problem of an audience member being so drunk that they ruin the gig for everyone else. But this was proper unselfish charity work, because if the gig was successful and people were persuaded to drink less or stop drinking then that will directly impact on my ability to make a living.
Sometimes I think I just give too much. Last night the wife said, oh boy, when you’re dead, you won’t take nothing with you but your soul. Think!
Though that’s true of everyone, apart from the Ancient Egyptians. In the end John Lennon did leave quite a lot behind for his wife, but he was probably accounting for living twice as long as he did. So he’s not a hypocrite.
