8392/21311
Another exhausting and pretty frustrating day. I thought I was getting good at one aspect of the show, but after two hours of attempting one thing and not markedly improving I realised that I was not getting good. I was in fact, getting worse. It's an interesting experience to be continually failing at something, whilst being filmed and having people asking you how it's going as you're doing it. Eventually I had to ask if they would stop filming me, which isn't really in the spirit of the thing. And what if I suddenly got it right?
They backed off anyway (though I am sure they had me covered) and I still fucked it up. I think they were enjoying my incompetence (to be fair I am doing something pretty difficult after minimal instruction, so failure was always likely) and were delighted I was so crap. The most charitable thing I can say is that they could maybe see I was determined to succeed and wanted me to find my own way to success. I did not succeed.
There's still another seven days of filming on this project, but we've done nearly all the hardest bits now, so the back of it is broken. These two days have been the hardest and most intense and I felt like I hadn't seen my family for about a fortnight, whereas I was with them two days ago.
I will be really impressed if there is no film in any of the cameras and this is just a pernicious exercise designed to break me.
I am only partially broken.
After two 12 hours+ day I then had a 3 hour train journey home. I thought travelling first class (legally) would make every trip fun, but it's already started to pall. Still I got a can of alcohol free beer and a teacake. Imagine travelling for that long without someone giving you a teacake. I wish there was something I could do to help the second class passengers, but there isn't.
The connecting tube from Euston to Finsbury Park is usually quick, but it was stuck in the station and packed as something unspoken had happened at Warren Street. I managed to get off at Kings Cross and drag my bags over to St Pancras. Don't people know I am a celebrity (this month)? I shouldn't have to do this.
Catie was in bed when I got home, but not yet asleep. We said goodnight and I went back downstairs to decompress.
It's almost impossible to complain about this job. It's hard work (for a limited time) but I am being paid well and am (today aside) enjoying the challenge.
Yet still I manage to complain. How do the proper celebrities who are busy all the time, cope with all these days away from their families? I guess they just hate their families.
I felt like a battered Herring today. One day you may get to watch me getting cross with myself for entertainment purposes and I hope you feel ashamed of yourself for enjoying that.
