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I went to Hogarth's House today. But he wasn't in.
I think we have a really rubbish poltergeist. I haven't seen a ghost, but I have seen the work that he or she has wrought. I was all ready to blame our egging on next door's children (just because the trajectory suggested this and I saw a massive empty egg box in their backyard) and to blame the big human-sized shit by my bins on a living, possibly drunk and homeless man. But too many unexplained things have been going on to even look for explanations. Earlier this week our washing up brush disappeared. Just vanished into thin air. It seems odd that someone would come back from beyond the grave to steal a slightly old and knackered washing up brush, but what are the other options. It was there by the sink where it always is and then it wasn't by the sink. Or anywhere else. It has just disappeared. Also our bottle of surface cleaner then went missing. Even graves need cleaning, actually a lot more than the abodes of the living with all the soil and putrefaction. I mean, maybe our cleaner had used the last of it and recycled it. But I don't think so. Cos she always puts stuff in the recycling with the lids still on and I have to take them off. And anyway, it's not in the recycling.
Tonight though, the ghost went for a more spectacular trick than mildly inconveniencing our ability to tidy our kitchen. We had enjoyed a refreshing alcoholic drink in a couple of tumblers and I stacked the empty glasses and placed them on the arm of the sofa, ready to take them to the kitchen for cleaning. But ghosts do not like us cleaning and the nudged the glasses off the arm of the sofa on to the sofa cushion (a drop of no more than 2 inches) at which point one of the two glasses exploded into about a million fragments. A glass falling a tiny distance on to soft furnishings does not explode without supernatural interference. Oh sure Stephen Hawkings and Richard Dawkin and Brian Cocks will try to argue that somehow the stacking of the glass had created a vacuum or a build up of air pressure or something which created enough force to create a glass explosion. But they are only saying that because they are scared of ghosts. I had to clean up the million bits of glass and it wasn't scientific. It was terrifying. Just moments before I'd been drinking out of that glass, but if I tried now I'd just have a handful of soggy shards and crystals of glass and blood everywhere. Just like the ghosts wanted.
It would at least save on washing up. Which is good because we can' t do that any more, thanks to the ghosts.
They want us to leave this place. But we're trying to. And their stupid shenanigans are making it less likely that we'll be able to go.
Also if someone hasn't done it already, they should make a film about a black and white infra red baby monitor where parents in one room see horrific things happen to their baby on screen. They must have done that. Once you've got ghosts in your mind it's impossible not to imagine goblins jumping out of corners and your baby turning into a devil or disappearing on screen and it's really the most horrific thing imaginable. I didn't sleep well. What will the ghosts do next?
Final episode of the 12 shows podcast, including 40 mins of live stand-up for free is now up.
If you want more, you can get my first 10 solo shows (over 15 hours of stand up) for just £12 here.
If you want to see Happy Now? which is shaping up nicely then check out my tour dates here.
Thanks for all the support through this challenging month.
