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Everyone has been asking me, "C'mon Rich, what do you think about the cheating couple caught out by the Coldplay audience cam? Not enough people have given their opinion about it and we don't know what to think, so we'd really appreciate another 1000 words or so about it from your perspective."
I have replied to all of these people individually to say "I think it's been covered guys, you don't need to hear what I think."
And they've said, "No, listen, we really do. You really seem to have a handle on stuff like this and you're very wise and maybe you'll write something so great about it that it will put the whole subject to bed and we can move on to the next person who we're going to subject to unimaginable worldwide scrutiny."
They all said exactly that. So I had to reply to all of them and say "No, really, I'd be embarrassed to join in, especially now a couple of days too late."
Then they all say, "Hold on, are you trying to pad out a blog and add to your word count, even though you don't get paid per word (or barely at all) for this. What's the point in that?"
And I say, "Look, I was ill all day, mainly as a result of exhaustion, partly because of that charity gig taking it out of me on Thursday and nothing else happened to me. So I don't have that much to write about."
They say "You went to the supermarket with your kids though."
And I say "Yes I did. How did you know about that?"
And they all say, "Just a guess, we're not stalking you,"
And I say "I have to say it was pretty amazing of me given how I was feeling, but nothing worthy of a blog happened there. I didn't even see the woman from Not Going Out/Beyond Paradise who shops at the same supermarket as me in Hitchin."
They say "Do you mean Sally Bretton?"
And I say, "It's definitely Sally something, but I am not sure of her surname, but if you say so. I like seeing her because although we hardly know each other we always pull a face at each other that embarrassedly acknowledges that we're both on TV, though one of us slightly less often than the other one."
And they say, "Hold on, didn't you meet Sally Bretton once when you did a poor audition to be Lee Mack's new friend on Just Going Out when Tim Vine left?"
And I say "Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Maybe the embarrassed face she pulls is actually about that."
And they say, "Did you get the part?"
And I say, "Still waiting to hear."
And they say "Is the supermarket Waitrose?"
And I say "Of course, do you think Sally Bretton is going to Aldi?"
And they say, "No, I knew she would go to Waitrose. I am just surprised that you go there. Are you sure you can afford it?"
And I say, "I've worked constantly in show business for thirty-five years, if course I can afford it."
And they say, "A lot of that "work" has been playing snooker against yourself or talking to puppets, which we assume you don't get paid for."
And I say, "I'm doing OK, don't worry about it. But if you want to pay for my substack that might help."
And they say, "We're not paying for your Waitrose blueberries."
And I say, "Yeah fair enough. But it might be nice to get a thank you for all the free stuff I've given out in the last 18 years."
And they say "Fuck off. It's just you playing yourself at snooker and clearing stones and interrupting properly funny people when they are telling great anecdotes."
And I say, "Wow, you guys don't like me very much and yet seem to know everything about me and watch all my stuff. What's going on with that?"
And they say, "We're just hanging around in the hope that at some point you do something worthwhile."
And I say, "Why do you want to know what I think about the Coldplay couple then? Surely I'm unlikely to have a fresh take on such an already hack topic."
And they say, "We believe in you Rich."
And I say, "You're sending out very mixed messages."
And they say "Just tell us."
So here goes, yes, it's an objectively amusing moment and there's something satisfying about seeing a billionaire taken down in such a public way and if you're a music snob it's doubly funny that he's outed as a Coldplay fan, but I am just surprised by the number of people in this world who have clearly never cheated on anyone in a relationship or had a blurred crossover period or stayed in a marriage for the sake of their kids and are thus in a position to judge.
Sure they should have fronted it out and they'd have got away with it - but that's very easy to say in hindsight. It's a very human reaction to try and cover your face when it's clearly much too late and they'd have had to have ice in their veins to front it out. Also even if it didn't go worldwide there would be people in that stadium who knew them.
Even if they were the worst people in the world, which maybe they are, then having this amount of focus put on them seems unfair (sorry to add to it, guys, but as you can see I was very much badgered into it) especially as nobody knows what their situation might be. The psychological consequences are almost unimaginable.
Maybe they deserve it, but then, in all likelihood, at some point in your life, so do you (and if not, what a dull life you have led - hi Mum and Dad), maybe the people who take the most pleasure in it are those that are just glad it's happening to someone else not them.
And then they say, "Thanks, that wasn't so hard was it?"
And I say, "Not hard, but not interesting. But I agree that I have sorted it out. Let's move on.... oh someone else has done something stupid. We have already. Leaving chaos in our wake."
