Warming Up

I am continuing to try to use social media for positivity and not rise to stuff. Not always successfully, but I am interested in seeing whether, by behaving decently, you can reach people who have appeared from nowhere with rudeness and aggression and calm things down.

It usually doesn't work, but it's interesting to try. If you stand objectively outside of it all then you realise there has to be something going on in someone's life if they have sought you out just to attack you. They may not realise it themselves, but it's  definitely an odd way to behave. I have less of a problem with being rude about people when you're not addressing them directly. Opinions are fine. But it's worth noting that putting things on a public platform does mean there is a chance they will see it. 

And I am aware that I have used social media and TV and radio appearances to say rude stuff about people, hopefully usually to make a point or to punch myself in the face and reveal my own idiocy. But not always. We're all guilty of doing some degree of unpleasant stuff, so as I say, I am just trying to make an effort to be kinder and rise to less stuff. I am annoyed by how much I still fail.

Today I got this message on Facebook - direct to my inbox - apropos of nothing

"Thr problem with men? Hiw about the problem with people? You know as most generalisations made about men or women as a group are usually untrue? Fuck me. Go back to interviewing your more famous mates. Some of them are funny, and not in a try hard dad way like you. Where would you be if you had never met Stewart Lee? Probably the funniest geography teacher in the local secondary school.”

All of this is so route 1 that it was water off a duck's back. Someone has got annoyed about something that they clearly haven't read (but don't worry, I checked if they had) and thinks they can undermine me by telling me I am not funny. There are some inaccuracies. I am bad at geography and though I would likely have been a teacher had my comedy career not panned out then I would have been the funniest history teacher in a school. But by miles.

I also feel that I was more help to Stew's career than he was to mine. By his own admission by giving him the job of script editor on Time Gentlemen Please we gave him an income that ensured that he made it through a dry spell, to emerge at the other end as the premier stand up in the UK. We certainly helped each other through that first ten years, but it would be a bold pundit who would think that our couple of largely overlooked TV series were the bedrock upon which I have built my career. 

And am I funny or not funny? That's just opinion, but as I've observed before, comedian is a job where you are constantly assessed and if you're not producing the goods you won't last long. In the last 20 years I have been almost totally reliant on an audience paying to see me. Unless they have an awful lot of affection for Stewart Lee and feel responsible for everyone he's worked with, then it seems unlikely they'd keep shelling out money to see me.

So he's picked the wrong targets. I agree with him to an extent that I could easily have been a teacher instead, but for a bit of luck (though a lot more hard work and sacrifice) but he hasn't wounded me as intended. 

Most of the RHLSTP guests aren't my mates and it's fairly even between more and less famous. Am I try hard dad? Maybe a bit. 

Interestingly this same person had contacted me in 2016 to request that we put the RHLSTP guest name first so you didn't have to read on to on YouTube to find out who it was. A few people asked that, so we did it. He was clearly a fan of the podcast at some point. And even more clearly has got annoyed about my book and what he perceives its message to be. Assuming he hasn't read it. 

It's funny that people who spend a lot of time claiming there's loads of problem with men - not being treated equally, suffering more from depression and suicide and getting male cancers - seem to be annoyed that there is a book which purports to say there is a problem with men. But you need to read it. It might just say â€œThere isn't one.”

So has he read it? As I say, I checked.

"Nah. Shit title. Unfunny guy as the writer.

Didn't think it would be worth it.

Bye then x”

So maybe I should just have left it, right? Is there any point in conversing someone who has come in this aggressively and is judging you by a book they have imagined in their own head?

But I thought I'd try and see what had prompted this expression of pain, seeping out almost at random like a puncture in a bicycle tyre.

Rather than telling him to fuck off or get angry back, which I suspect is what he'd have liked, I said 

"Cool. If you read it I will have a chat with you about it. Don't understand the aggression I'm getting from you. Very happy to chat it over if it helps

Sounds like you might need a mate. So do get in touch if you want to talk anything over. Hope things are ok for you.”

This could be taken sarcastically, but I meant it. I know that somewhere in the past he liked what I did and he still couldn't hide that by saying that occasionally my guests were funny. And maybe my daughter had been right the other day when she said that people who hated me were jealous because I was so cool.

For a geography teacher, but it still counts.

And I must point out that being a teacher is a way cooler and more admirable career than being a comedian and I don't actually think I'd have been all that good at it.

Maybe Phoebe was right because next the man said "Sorry man. Its just youre absolutely stealing a living at the moment. I should probably be congratulating you on a grift well executed.”

It would indeed be an incredible grift. Because I'd have had to be fooling audiences for two decades. He at least had the self-awareness to see that he was giving me a compliment. If I've managed to work consistently in a highly competitive business for 30 years and am not actually objectively funny, then what the Hell kind go demonic skills do I possess? It would be way more impressive than what I've done. I don't think I am the funniest guy in the world and sometimes, of course, I wonder what the Hell people see in me. But there must be something there. 

Again I stayed calm and reached out to him. I know he wouldn't accept any offer of help yet. But I've been lonely and in pain in my life and I understand that striking out at someone can somehow ease that feeling for a second and maybe one day he'd realise that he needed to turn his critical eye inwards, rather than strike out a bloke who he sort of liked, but whose book title had annoyed him (I didn't choose that title by the way and wasn't 100% sure about it either, but I like the fact that it's quite challenging. If it makes you angry and you read the book I think you'll find it much more balanced and sympathetic to men than you might imagine, because (spoiler alert) I am a man).

So I replied â€œIt would indeed be incredible if I had maintained a career over the last 25 years based on a couple of tv shows that no one really watched. So take it as a compliment either way. As I say, offer to chat remains. This is a strange way to behave, so if there's anything I can help with let me know”

Of course he wasn't ready to accept that. But would he get angry or would he warm to me a little bit? If the anger had diffused then surely that was a small victory for persistence and not going the easy or expected route.

"OK cool thanks man. Currently trying to get now tv to work on my firestick. Any tips? Google says its possible but I don't seem to be able to find the now tv app in the app store. Wanna watch that documentary. Suki and the nonce.”

So sure. Sarcastic, but playful. Taking me at my word and twisting it. And still keeping the conversation going, even though he thought I was lucky and worthless and unfunny. Doing a bit of banter with me.

So I had one more try, "One day you'll have to confront the bigger issue if you want to be happy. I am happy. I can help you get there. Any time you're ready.”

The thing is, I am very happy. Happier weirdly since I lost a testicle, as it's made me realise what more important things I have to lose.

And now rather than calling me a shitbag, this man was doing jokes to me, "Haha thanks x So no, you don't know or wha?”

I told him "I've got apps on my TVs so can't help you with that.”

He replied"Yeah apparently I need a next gen firestick or something. Typical.”

I did mean it with the offer to help. But the tone of the conversation had totally changed. He maybe still feels comedically superior to me (though is definitely incorrect to do so - I am a really good comedian), but I had defused the bomb (for now at least) and we had parted on almost friendly terms.

Sometimes this approach works. Sometimes you can't find a chink in the fragile armour that is built around the insecurity that drives someone to behave like this. But occasionally a little progress is made.

Did I waste my time? Maybe. But felt better than I would if I'd been abusive back.