The first two of the four gigs I am doing in 26 hours went well. It's not so much that I am doing multiple performances, it's that they are so far apart and there is no wiggle room in the travel arrangements for anything to go wrong. But the taxi ride from Bluewater to Ealing was quick enough for me to have time to stop off at home and pick up my car, rather than have the driver take me to the gig and then have to find my way home on public transport. Every second of extra sleep I could get might be vital.
But I was on stage only ten minutes after my arrival. I had asked for a table for my water and my notes and the guy at the venue had to get one from the dressing room. It was quite a chunky piece of furniture and he had to get it through the audience. He swung it towards the stage and came close to smashing a couple of people in the back of the head. It would be bad if my show started with the death of actual audience members. But it would add a frisson to the performance if that became a feature. You have a 1% chance of actually dying at this show. It's unlikely that you will, but someone will die. Would that put people off or make keener to come? You'd think the former, but bravado and ego and just the basic fun of risk-taking might mean the auditorium was full. Also you would almost certainly get to see someone murdered. Would the tiny possibility that it might be you put you off the thrill of such gladitorial sport?
I have often wondered whether people would take part in a Big Brother style event where the ultimate loser was executed. Would people's quest for fame and attention make them prepared to risk everything for their shot? You'd have to make sure that the contestants were not suicidal - it 's important that they'd want to stay alive. People are prepared to risk humiliation and in the Celebrity version the additional chance that they might do something that wrecks their career (or what is left of it). Would anyone be desperate enough for fame that they would factor in the small chance of death? Only if they were the least popular contestant too, so their ego might make them think they were safe. Would the public secretly like to have a reality show where the prize was for one contestant to be wiped from reality? Would they participate and vote for someone's death? I think they would.
The table got swung up above people's heads, but clattered against a chandalier. The audience gasped - maybe this was a very low budget version of Final Destination and those people who had cheated death by not having the back of their heads caved in were now going to be killed by falling glass. But no, the chandalier just tinkled and the audience laughed and no one died.
I got on stage to discuss how I had been upstaged by the table and that it was tough when an inanimate object had got a better laugh than I was likely to get. But my penultimate preview turned out to be even funnier than a table, getting good laughs from the start, banishing the fears that I had had after yesterday's show. The rejigged order worked and I cut nearly all of the stuff about my grandma (might have to lose the rest as well as things still over ran, but there was a lot of banter and ad-libbing today with the lively, but friendly crowd). I ended the show with the line "The rest is silence," though unnecessarily added a "Thank you and goodnight" (if only Shakespeare had thought of that) and left the stage. The mic lead had got wrapped around the Final Destination table and as I left my foot got caught and the table lurched forwards and I nearly plummeted into the people who had already escaped death twice. It would certainly be ironic if I died at the end of this show. And my final words were "The rest is silence," but with an added valediction and thanks that wrecks the whole point of the dramatic farewell.
Luckily I survived to do the show another day. Come on furniture, do your worst to stop me.
