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What? We can’t watch porn at work in front of our work colleagues any more? This woke world is crazy. I thought we voted for Brexit.
Don’t these front bench politicians know what the back benches are for?
I am possibly not the first person to talk bollocks on Sky News, but that was how my day started. I was actually talking about my own bollocks (there are still two, I just don’t know where one of them is) as my first assignment as Movember Ambassador. It’s testicular cancer awareness month, so men get April and November and yet still complain about not having an International Men’s Day (even though they do). We really are the best.
I’d been looking after the kids and then walking the dog and looked like I’d been dragged through a hedge backwards and some viewers might have thought that I’d actually literally just had my testicle removed, I looked so rough. Niall Paterson seemed delighted to virtually meet me, claiming to be a fan of Fist of Fun and RHLSTP, but then said he was surprised to hear I’d had testicular cancer, so he can’t listen to much RHLSTP where me going on about that takes up about 50% of each episode in the last year.
I do not feel too bad about talking about this subject so much (and believe me there is going to be a lot more to come - my book is out in October) as there’s an important message there and I have already heard from several men who have been prompted to go to the doctors because of me banging on about it and a couple of those have ended up with a cancer diagnosis. It’s all part of my plan to create as many one testicled people as possible, so that we can form an army and take over the world. We will wipe out the prejudice in society to the monoballs and (if I have my way) force everyone with testicles to give up a ball and donate it to someone who doesn’t have a testicle. When everyone in the world has one testicle, then surely, we will see that we are all the same and the world can live in peace. You may call me a dreamer.
It turned out to be pretty complicated getting the interview done. Catie is still ill and ideally would have stayed in bed, but someone needed to take Phoebe to school. Ernie is still all poxy so I had to be home to look after him. I had to just let him watch TV in the next room and hope that he didn’t come looking for me. It might have led to a charming viral video of another kid interrupting a live stream news item, but Ernie would almost certainly have got his cock out (he still thinks it’s funny to take his trousers- I don’t know where he gets this from), which, whilst on point for the interview, might not be appropriate for live TV.
Luckily Oddbods (again quite an apt show to be watching) held his attention and I got through the interview uninterrupted, though it was over so quickly that I didn’t get the chance to advise viewers to head to
movember.com for more information. Do see your GP if you have any concerns and don’t think that just cos I got this that it’s an old man’s disease. I am actually older than the normal range and testicular cancer hits teenagers and young men most often. My balls were all used up anyway, but yours might have a life ahead of them and the quicker you get yourself seen the better.
On the Sky News website it said I had opened up about my diagnosis, which could have been more sensitively put. They have to open you up to get it out. Also some people are already wishing I would shut up about it. But I never will.
