Near to the house of the arrogant yet foolish Chelsea fan, is a church. Outside it is a cartoon sign with lots of happy smiling faces on it, but in the middle a gap with a question mark. Above it is the question, "Who is missing ?" which is then answered below, "You are!" Further down is the message, "There's a place for you at our primary Sunday school."
Although it is very nice of this church to invite me to their children's Sunday school in this way, I am not sure they are correct in their ascertation. I think if I took them up on their offer it would look a bit weird. Me, a 38 year old man, sitting amongst a load of 7 year olds, talking about Jesus. Especially considering I would almost certainly counter the teacher's Christian arguments with my own atheist doctrine and ask awkward questions about God and the whole basis of the religion that this church is built upon.
I'm not sure it would even get that far. If I turned up on Sunday and said, "I am here for the primary Sunday school," I think I would get at least some very odd and suspicious looks, even if I immediately blurted out, "Don't worry, I'm not a paedophile or anything." I'm pretty sure the people in charge would ask me to leave, possibly trying to deflect the embarrassment by inviting me to take part in the church service. But I would have to take them outside and point at the sign, which I think is a legally binding invitation. I'd tell them, "It says there is a place for me at your Sunday School. It even goes as far to say that I am missing. Why tease me with this promise and then refuse me entry, like some kind of evil, hypocritical Pharisee?"
They might counter, "But it's obviously for primary school aged children."
To which I would posit, "No it isn't. It says that I am missing. It doesn't say, "You are, as long as you are between the ages of 5 and 9."
"We just assumed that people would....."
"Well don't assume. Assume makes an ass out of you an me. Look cos, it's ass, then a u and then me. Do you see? You can use that in one of your lessons. But only if I can come and take part."
"Really sir, I think you had better leave before we call the police."
"Well change your sign. Your evil lying sign. I don't even want to come to your Sunday School anyway. I don't think Jesus is real. Take that you Pharisees."
Which reminds me that as a kid I was obsessed with the Pharisees. I have a book of the first stories I ever wrote somewhere and they're all about evil Pharisees attacking people with machine guns. I hated the Pharisees. Why were they so mean to Jesus? I liked him. He was a goodie. Back when there werr four Goodies. But Tim Brooke Taylor didn't get on with him and the bike only had three seats and so they got rid of him. Even though Jesus had another bike with 13 seats for him and all the 12 disciples. Christ on a bike!
These are some of the things that I will put in the pamphlet that I am printing up to distribute to all the children who come out of that Sunday School. They must learn that they cannot (probably) exclude me.
