Warming Up

I took the kids to the woods to see the bluebells and walk the dog. We weren’t the only people to have the idea. The car park was full and cars were parked all up the road, but we found a space. Ernie picked up a stick early in the walk and said that he was looking out for foxes and was going to kill one for its meat. I doubted he had the ability to kill a fox with a stick and if he did the joke was going to be on him, because I doubt that fox meat is very nice and I’d love to see him try and cook it. So I was sort of gunning for him, just so I could enjoy his disappointment. 

This wasn’t really a very palatable idea and wanting to kill and skin animals at a young age is occasionally the first sign that someone is going to turn out to be a serial killer. So I was glad that only I knew about it. If he turns out to be a serial killer I will attempt to persuade him to stop the murders, but as his dad I will have to shield him from capture. It’s going to be a tough life for us all, but parenthood means making some difficult moral choices. If I can’t convince him to end his murder spree, then maybe I can nudge him towards only killing people who are arseholes. Too many serial killers murder people who are vulnerable and innocent, if you have an over riding compunction to slaughter then at least direct it towards people who are dicks. Like other serial killers. Also it works like conkers.If you kill a serial killer you get their kills. 

Anyway I was keen to keep my nascent Jeffrey Dahmer a secret, but every time we passed another person, which was very often, Ernie would say “Have you seen any foxes?” And when the person laughed at this charming entreaty and said “No”, Ernie would say, “Because I want to kill them for their meat.” Which people either didn’t really process properly or assumed they’d misheard or it led to them being a bit perplexed and mildly upset. A French lady was the only one who properly questioned it and she seemed perturbed.

I mean fair enough. You don’t expect a four year old to be so sweet and yet so vicious. I don’t know why though. They all are.

Come on Ernie. You have to kill four people to be a serial killer. Don’t blow it before you’ve even started by giving the game away.

Luckily no one had seen a fox and we didn’t see a fox. Ernie had talked it up so much that if we’d seen one he’d have had to have a go and I think a cornered fox might have the upper hand (paw?) in any rumble at this stage. Perhaps it was bravado. It’s easy to say you’re going to kill a fox with a stick so you can eat it but when it comes down to it, I think it might prove difficult.

And say what you like about my son, but I think it’s admirable that he was only interested in killing an animal for food. Plus he was giving it a sporting chance by only using a stick. A lot of adults would be very happy to hunt down one fox using a pack of dogs and a load of people on horseback blowing horns and dressed up like fucking pricks and only for the enjoyment of the murder. They wouldn’t have a fox barbecue afterwards. They just want the thrill of an unfair fight followed by a bloody murder. And most of them are not only not sent to prison, but generally occupy positions of importance in society. Perhaps fox hunting should be made legal again, but only if the dogs are replaced by four year olds with sticks, full of bravado, but who would piss themselves if they even saw a real fox.

You can solve a lot of disputes with a bit of compromise.