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Wednesday 5th October 2005

I was back on the Richard and Judy show for the second time in just six short months. I call that regular employment. It is my job to go on Richard and Judy. I plan to retire in 2007 with the money I will have accrued by then.
This time I was talking about whether men and women have different senses of humour with Bruce Dessau and Ninia Benjamin. We all pretty much agreed that they didn't, despite Richard and Judy's evidence that men love puerile slapstick and women like character driven stuff. I think different people like different things and it's not got that much to do with what gender you are. I am correct.
As with last time I was unsure about whether Richard and Judy were aware that I had done a show called "This Morning With Richard Not Judy", but if they are I guess it's long ago now for none of us to care. I had a brief chat with them both in the green room after the show.
More excitingly Pan's People were on the show, or at least four of them were, as they were taking part in a campaign to advertise some energy drink for the over 50s. Although I was pretty young when they were the dancers on Top of the Pops, I still remember being bedazzled by them and getting a funny feeling in my tummy when I looked at them dancing around in baby doll outfits, so it was strange to see these objects of childhood fuzzy lust in the flesh. They were no Janet Ellis as Nell Gwynne in Jigsaw for me, but they were still an important step in my development as a sex obsessed idiot, and I wondered if I should thank them for that.
Of course they do not look quite the same as they did, but they are still attractive women for their age and excitingly Dee Dee came over to talk to me and asked me what I did. I told her I was a comedian and she made some joke about how I would have to be with a face like that. She then giggled and gave me a little hug to make up for her cheeky rudeness. I had been hugged by one of Pan’s People. It’s a momentous occasion and probably the pinnacle of my life so far. Dee Dee still looked pretty good. If she’d wanted to take it further I would have had to think about it. For about three seconds. Before saying, “All right, go on then!” I would owe it to the 7 year old me, who would literally have exploded had I travelled back in time to tell him that not only would I present “Top of The Pops” on two occasions, but be touched by Pan’s People or at least Pan’s Person. I have lived an impressive life. If only impressive to a 7 year old version of myself. But who would you rather impress than that?
Then one of the other guests on the show asked me and Ninia back to his dressing room to touch his python. Oh not like that, what are your minds like? You make me sick. It was literally a python that he’d brought on to the show. I touched his python and it was all dry and scaly. Again it was a snake, what are you like? You disgust me.
He then wrapped his python around Ninia’s neck. This time it was actually his penis. His massive, bendy, scaly penis, capable of squeezing the life out of a human being. No it wasn’t. It was still a python.
It’s your mind that imagined otherwise and not mine. You are disgusting and have (probably) never presented Top of the Pops or been fondled by an old woman who was once young, but when she was young you would have been too young for it have been right for her to fondle you. Ah such are the vagaries of time.

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