I have been disappointed to learn that Sophie Ellis Bextor has been impregnated by someone who isn't me. I haven't been so gutted since I found out Mena Suvari was married.
Why oh why do these attractive women in the public eye choose to commit themselves to other men, before they've even had a chance to meet me? Don't they realise that I am the best and most attractive man in the world and that, at the very least, they should all have sex with me before they tie themselves down? It seems obvious to me.
To be fair to Sophie, I did once sort of meet her. The last time I was on GMTV (almost exactly two years ago), I was presenting an item on kitsch Christmas gifts. I wasn't that keen to do this-I don't find the idea of kitschness as amusing as some people- but it was a last minute request and I'd done a few bits with Lorraine Kelly before and it had been goind quite well, so I decided to give it a go.
A researcher at GMTV chose all the gifts and I did my best to be amusing about them. I wasn't on top form and got surprisingly nervous while I was on (which hardly ever happens to me), but I managed to make a few funny comments about how I hated both love and Christmas (spurred on by some mittens for lovers which had a shared middle glove so they could hold hands - as if people in love aren't sickening enough without this kind of assistance) and the fact that a one of those shaky snow globe things depicting Jesus on Joseph's shoulders would be a good present for any man, who like the Bethlehem carpenter, was cheerfully bringing up a child that wasn't biologically his own.
Sophie Ellis Bextor was going to sing a song in the next item and I noticed her off camera, giggling at my witty comments. Unfortunately she was moved into position before I could say hello, but I had clearly made an impression. You'd think she would have remembered how great I was and refused to have sex with any man until she could be totally sure there was no chance of us being together. But no. She showed me just how fickle she was.
Maybe she was hoping she might meet me on GMTV again, but after my item there was a flurry of phone calls and complaints and, despite the researcher saying it was not my fault, but hers for choosing the wrong kind of items, I was never employed by the breakfast show again and had a future booking cancelled.
So my and Sophie's love was doomed to flounder before it had had the chance to even cross the mind of one of us.
Funnily enough, as a young man, I was a big fan of Sophie's mum, Janet Ellis. I particularly liked her in the show Jigsaw and have especially fond memories of when they were doing a show based on the letter 'O' and Janet was playing Nell Gwyne ('o' for oranges, you see). Many men of my age have very similar memories of the awakening of their sexual desire thanks to the rather low cut dress that Janet Ellis was wearing. For us the 'o' stood for 'oh my God'.
It was kind of nice to think that the baton of sexual desire had been passed from mother to daughter. That my early teens and my mid thirties should have such similar and connected icons of sexiness.
I actually once did a routine about this subject at a charity gig which Sophie was meant to be playing at (she had to cancel) and at which Janet was in the audience. She talked to me afterwards and is still a fine looking woman. She later sent me a Jigsaw badge which I treasure. She also told me to keep away from her children. Which is why I never used the connection to try to get to know Sophie better.
So in a way I suppose Sophie's pregnancy might be a good thing. Providing she has a female child (or a male if in the next twenty years I become gay), then in my mid to late fifties, I will have a new cute Ellis based icon to fall in love with. I presume as the father is called Jones, the child's surname will be Ellis-Bextor-Jones.
Of course, in some ways this notion is distasteful, obscene and disgusting. But in other ways, is it not rather romantic? Would it not be quite beautiful if a 57 year old Richard Herring were to finally fulfil his dream and marry a 20 year old Ellis-Bextor-Jones?
And who is the real pervert? Is it the 36 year old man who fantasises about marrying someone who is currently a foetus, based purely on a physical attraction to its grandmother? Or is it the businessman, in his suit and tie.... no sorry, even I can't carry on with that one.
But look if any other cute young actresses/entertainers are reading this and haven't yet met me, will you please wait until you have before you decide to get impregnated by someone else.
You owe it to yourself.
Surely today's entry if nothing else, clearly demonstrates that. And the strength of my feelings for you.
Whoever you are.
