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As you know, I just want to be on the telly. Whatever it takes. And that’s why this morning I left my family to spend two hours on the couch on Channel 5’s “The Saturday Show” (they didn’t waste any time naming that one). It’s hosted by the lovely Gaby Roslin who I’ve met a few times and the Action Man faced Matt Barbet, who I didn’t know, but who I liked. As with all these weekend shows with kitchens attached the skill of the presenters is to that they do the job properly, but also have their tongues firmly in their cheeks and Matt walked that dangerous tightrope with aplomb.
It’s all a bit trippy, partly because you’re up and about so early, partly because they leap from one subject to the next as if homophobia and juicing (for example) have some kind of obvious connection and partly because it’s an eclectic mixture of guests. I was the filling in a Nina Wadia and Vicky Pattison sandwich and for one section we were joined by controversial “Celebrity” Big Brother contestant, Winston McKenzie. I had no idea who he was (and hadn’t been told he was coming on beforehand so hadn’t been able to google him beforehand), but the other guests were prickling a little bit. He is an ex-UKIP member, who apparently has equated homosexuality with paedophilia in some way and came on to express his guffy view that his Christianity alongside freedom of speech meant he had the right to say this stuff. Though I did see Jesus standing in the corner with his head down, looking embarrassed. It must be weird to have so many people affiliate themselves to you, but then I guess if you’re going to keep things vague and easy to interpret in a myriad of different ways then you’re going to get loads of followers but some of them will be dickweeds. I’d still pop back down and disown them though. And clarify some of the stuff that was making people fight each other. But Jesus is doing a tough job and it’s easy to judge from the sidelines.
It was an awkward and confusing interview, especially if like me you don’t really watch reality TV and so aren’t up to speed on what was going on. All I really needed to know was that this was a black man who had supported UKIP (though I think he’s now moved on to some even more bonkers party) and so therefore he might not really have the most logical brain in the world. But on the plus side, he’s been allowed his freedom of speech and pretty much everyone else has decided that he’s being an idiot and so he should quietly disappear. I am all for freedom of speech. Without it people holding repugnant and stupid ideas can go around thinking they’re being silenced because they’re correct. When letting them speak should give them some idea that they’re not. Though, of course, that’s not enough to make them change their messed up minds.
Like I say, after that, I then went to try some juices, prepared by a man who is eating nothing but juice for the next couple of weeks and who dodged my question about what his wee smell likes. I liked him though and I liked his juice and I am all for eating fruit and vegetables in any form. But I am not sure you should only eat them. And only in one form. He looked good on it though and his juices were nice. And if only eating juice is a kind of mild insanity, it was preferably to the insanity of the previous guests.
Maybe madness linked us all. This kind of TV is a mini minor asylum where the inmates are encouraged in their delusions and which holds up a mirror to the pointlessness of all existence, whilst recommending that we just get on and enjoy it. I loved the controlled craziness of it all and I enjoyed messing around with the non-homophobic guests both on and off screen. I only had a vague idea of who Vicky Pattison was (I think I’d chanced across her solving a puzzle stuck to a tree in a jungle in Australia when she had seemed very likeable) but she’s a sharp and funny reality TV star and I can see why she’s got as far as she has. She’s a regular young woman, but witty and incisive and very at ease.
Although we did talk about my upcoming tour, I don’t think I did a great job of selling it (which was the point of me going on) and I am not sure the audience of the Saturday show are really my audience anyway, but I enjoyed this experience for what it was, an odd waking dream that I am not sure really happened. And it was interesting to see how reality TV stars can get it right and get it terribly wrong encapsulated in two individuals.