The late nights followed by early mornings finally got to me and in spite of the house renovations up the road I still managed to sleep in until after midday today. Which is lovely, but it means the day does disappear. My mind couldn't quite make sense of it and it was a real jolt to the system when I looked at my watch and saw it was 4pm. It felt like the day had just begun.
I worked through my emails and did other bits of admin. I had announced on Twitter that Stewart and me would be recording extras for the Fist of Fun DVD on Monday and most people took the news with some excitement. It got retweeted a few times I guess because someone who wasn't following me then tweeted to say "No thanks I don't find your type of comedy very funny or clever, rather boring actually..." And whilst they are entitled to their opinion, it seemed an odd thing to bother to tell me directly (I know not everyone in the world likes my stuff after all), so I told them that. He or she could not see why that was an odd thing to do, so I attempted to explain that I was really spreading the info to people who might be interested and that it seemed strange to go out of his or her way to inform me of their opinion, but it didn't sink in. It reminded me that I had been intending to add a Twitter section to the FAQ section of the website. I really wanted a page that I could direct people to when they asked for a RT to explain why I don't do that - because it seems rude just to ignore them - but I thought I could use it to explain a few other issues, like why I will block people if they just turn up out of nowhere to be offensive for no reason, or @ me into rudeness. I thought I'd try and make it funny as well as informative. My intentions were to be helpful and instructive. Here's what I put:
Will you RT me on Twitter? Why did you block me? (and other Twitter issues)
I am on Twitter as @Herring1967 and if you want to follow that is cool. You can ask questions on there or make comments and I will almost certainly read them and reply if possible - but bear in mind that I am unlikely to respond to questions that can more easily be answered by Google or things that I have already just said in my timeline - so do check these sources first.
If you are abusive or offensive or over familiar then I will probably block you. Even if you think you are joking - often that's very hard to distinguish in a tweet - there is no excuse for being rude. Jokes that might work well coming from a friend are not funny coming from a stranger. If you complain about my tweets I might also save you the trouble of unfollowing me by blocking you. I have quite a thick skin, but it's worth considering the impact of what you're saying and how you would feel if a stranger popped up without introduction and said something like that to you. It's only rude if you @ someone in when you're being unpleasant about them, incidentally. You can be as rude about me as you like, but no need to direct the message to me. That's just showing off and childish. I am all for constructive criticism and you're welcome to say you haven't enjoyed something I've done. It's just pointless rudeness that I am talking about.
Here's some questions that I probably won't answer (with the answers)
Will you please RT my charity/gig/book/website/blog/video?
As I get asked to RT charity requests or links to pages or videos several times an hour it is not practical or sensible for me to RT them all. And if I did it would make them meaningless in any case because it would just annoy people. I support a handful of charities and don't want to dilute the work I do for them by boring people with 100s of RTs, which they won't even click on because they are coming too frequently. And it would also seems unfair to RT ones at random. So in order to stop my timeline clogged with RTs I have a policy that I don't RT anything when asked to do so by people I don't know. Obviously if something tickles or interests me on Twitter I might RT it, but that is through choice rather than request. I wish you good luck in whatever you're doing, but don't be offended that I don't RT.
Why do you tweet about your gigs all the time?
I think I give more content and comments and gags on Twitter than most people. I love using it. Occasionally I will publicise something I am doing, because some of my followers want that service. If you don't like being told about what I am up to then it's up to you to either not follow me or to just skim by the tweets that give such info. It's pretty easy to tell them from the others. Your time can't be that precious or you wouldn't be on Twitter. But the way Twitter works is that people tweet what they want and people choose to follow who they want. If you don't like the content of someone you are following then that is your fault not theirs. Just unfollow quietly and find people you enjoy. But the truth is that only about one in ten of my tweets are promotional. Given this is a free service it seems churlish to complain about me trying to promote myself. Twitter is not a service dedicated to just you and I have to take into account the wishes of all my followers.
Are there any tickets left for tonight's show?
I don't know. Please check with the venue.
When are you next gigging in my town?
Please go to the gig guide on this website where all upcoming gigs will be listed.
Why isn't your tour coming to my town?
I am booked by the theatres rather than choosing which place I want to play and sometimes even if the theatre wants me we can't find a mutually agreeable slot. But I do travel around the country for at least a third of the year and try to come to as many places as possible, so if you want me to come to your town then contact your local venue and ask them to book me.
Is Stewart Lee on Twitter?
No, he has declared that he never will be.
Can you tell Stewart Lee that he should be on Twitter?
I have done. He never will be.
I want to be a writer/comedian. How do I start? This and other questions are answered in
the FAQ section.
Why do you feel the need to have a list of questions rather than answering my question individually?
I have over 60,000 followers. Many of them ask similar questions. In order to give me some time to have a life and do my job and kiss my girlfriend, it's easier to give a link to responses to the most frequently asked questions.
I don't think you're funny - why don't you stop doing comedy?
I have a limited appeal, but there are some people who like what I do. Rather than deprive them of my comedy it's probably easier if you just don't watch my stuff or follow me on Twitter. But if I was you I'd also try and look into yourself and work out why you felt it necessary to tell me this in the first place. It suggests a deficiency or oddness within you. Most people just ignore the things they don't like and certainly don't feel the need to search out a person they dislike to tell them about their hatred. Maybe try to use Twitter in a more positive way by contacting the people you like, rather than trying to make up for some insecurity in yourself by being unpleasant to people who you don't. Just a thought. It doesn't upset me that you don't like me. It just makes me pity you a bit that you felt the need to tell me. Cos I already know that not everyone in the world finds me funny! It might be worth considering the option that it YOU who is the dick. Then you can stop being one.
You have bored/offended me so I am unfollowing you - What do you think of that?
I really don't mind or care. That's the way Twitter is. There's no need to tell me you're leaving and I won't notice if you do. Telling me about it again just makes you look pompous, needy and self-obsessed. I only want people following me who are enjoying what I am doing. Sorry you didn't like what I was doing, but no hard feelings. Bye!
I thought that was helpful and amusing enough. I don't get that much abuse and most people on Twitter understand about being polite and friendly. It's aimed at a very tiny minority and I thought it would be useful to now have a link I can paste in to explain some of these things that come up every now and again. I pasted the link into Twitter cos I thought most of the people following me would find it funny, but was amazed and amused to see that some people were accusing me of being "up myself" for daring to do this. A lot of this comes, I suppose, from the fact that their perspective or who I am is different to how I perceive myself. I don't think of myself as a celebrity (because I am clearly not one) or as different than anyone else, but they are reading my advice and explanation in a tone of voice which is talking down to them. When I talk about strangers, that's not me saying I am above anyone else, just that if you haven't met me and don't know me personally then you are a stranger. So whilst a friend might understand that a tweet saying "You're a fucking cunt" is a joke and laugh - if you do that to a person who you have never met and it's the only thing you have ever said to them, you'll probably get a different reaction. 99.9% of people completely understand this, but 0.1% of 60,000 people is still quite a few people.
Anyway it seems that the people who the FAQ was intended for really need an FAQ to explain the FAQ. I mainly just thought it would be funny to direct a troll to a page which explained why what they were doing reflected more on them than it does on me.
I am up myself. Completely. I make my living writing about my life in tiny detail and talking about it on stage. I think about nothing but myself for most of the day. But me explaining my policy on Twitter is not up myself. That's actually quite nice of me.
I do take out a lot of time to answer tweets and emails. I can't always do them all or get into lifelong correspondence with everyone cos I have some other stuff I need to do (not much other stuff). I advised one angry person that "Perhaps it is you who is up yourself. Always worth asking "Is it me who is the dick?" I do all the time." That's probably the best advice of all. I concede there is a massive chance that I am a dick who is up myself (somehow bending all the way round and penetrating myself and making a dick circle) - do these people ever think that maybe they are the problem. Cos usually if you read their timeline you see they seem to have issues with everyone but themselves.
Ah well! Had a nice gig in Tring and managed not to
fall off the stage this year, so that's a bonus.
