6134/19064
Oh I forgot to mention. I completed Dry Jantember. Going to see if I can do what no one has ever managed in human history and do a Dry Jantober. Wish me luck.
Will I ever drink again?
I don't know if my daughter's new teacher has some problem with his bin collection, but every time she comes home from school she seems to bring a whole new bag of rubbish with her. With 25 kids in the class, if they all bring home 3 old bottles or kitchen roll tubes then he is getting rid of 75 items a day, an incredible 375 bits of rubbish a week. He might even be making a living dumping other people's rubbish for them and unlike fly tipping this is completely legal and there's nothing that anyone can do to stop his genius plan.
Today Phoebe brought out a big plastic milk bottle and an old juice bottle, with bits of tape stuck all over them and told me one was a present for me and one for Phoebe's mum. When I asked what they were she told me they were bottles that I could smash. Which didn't seem like a thing. Also they were plastic so you couldn't anyway. But apparently it was all just pretend anyway and the tape was so that I could stick the not broken broken bottle back together. But when I tried to pretend to break the bottle my daughter told me I was doing it wrong and said I had to run with it and then fall on it. I suppose it's some young fad that I am too unhip to understand.
I have to say that whatever they were meant to be they were fucking shit. If I got to the end of my working day and all I'd produced was some plastic bottles with tape on, then I'd never work again. Thankfully I do proper work like clearing stones and playing snooker against myself, so I can rest easy.
She also had a long cardboard tube that she hadn't even done anything to, but thought was cool to put her arm through it, but that I am also supposed to take home and treasure. This hoarding of junk that somehow has some sentimental value is probably the one thing that is dooming our planet to oblivion.
I wouldn't mind if she at least showed some shame about what she had done. But she seemed proud.
I saw the teacher counting out a huge pile of £50 notes as I left.
Another fabulous guest for RHLSTP - this time at the Leicester Square Theatre on 28th October - it's Tim Minchin (making a pretty spectacular double bill with Sara Pascoe)
I will hopefully have some equally exciting news about the remaining London slots very soon (and continue to work on the tour dates).
