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Sunday 12th March 2023


I am still not better, but I am well enough to be a parent again. We were going out for lunch as a family, but we made the decision quite late and most places were booked up, but I finally found a table at Pizza Express Welwyn Garden City, which for some reason, seems never to be full. What do you know that we don’t know, Hertfordshire?
Ernie was a bit emotional already but when he found out we were going for pizza he lost his shit. I don’t know why. He likes pizza. But he really wanted to go to Macdonalds. And was very insistent on relaying this information. “I want to go to Macdonalds” he wept. He’s only been twice before, but that’s all it takes to get addicted. I told him I would take him again soon, but that was not enough. “I want to go to Macdonalds” he continued. To save some time and keep my word count down a bit I will tell you that he kept repeating this for basically the next hour. It was a full on tantrum and Catie questioned whether we could even go out as we’d have to leave Pizza Express if he didn’t stop. I felt that to not go where we had planned would be giving in to these terrorist tactics and insisted we still went, but Ernie protested as we got into the car and as we drove off and as we drove down the road. He was still saying “I want to go to Macdonalds” in case you were wondering.
We’d already used up the card of saying we wouldn’t take him next week if he said it again. So we could only say he’d never go to Macdonalds again if he said it again. He still said it again.
We were already running late for our booking and everyone was getting fraught and although I attempt to keep patience with these little hecklers I have created, I was tired and had been worn down and I lost my shit and said “Right, we’re going home then. I’m turning this car round”. We were, as it happened on a roundabout, which made it easier, but I was full of adrenaline and annoyance and driving angry. How many families have been killed as a result of a parent finally losing it on the road and driving them all into a wall? I don’t think it’s none.
We headed home, although I knew in my heart that there was another roundabout just a couple of hundred metres along the road, so I could turn back round again. And a bit calmer after my outburst, we did just that and still went to Pizza Express. He still said he wanted to go to Macdonalds. We found somewhere to park and walked to the restaurant. We passed a Macdonalds but Ernie didn’t see it.
Once we went through the door of Pizza Express Ernie said “Oooh I feel hungry” and merrily went to his seat and never mentioned Macdonalds again. The little prick.
The good news at Pizza Express is that there’s a new pizza which you can order to give a discretionary charity donation to, so you single people have a guaranteed dating success on your hands. The money goes to the Veneziana fund rather than the Venice in Peril one, so I don’t know if it’s for Venice to be unflooded or flooded or if it’s just a fund to bring back the Veneziana pizza (which they should as it was ace). Shame the Funghi di Bosco pizza looks like a fucking nightmare.
Also I went to the loo before we left and when I walked out of the cubicle, someone was exiting the other cubicle. It was a ten year old girl. I realised I was in the ladies. I had gone into the wrong toilets by mistake. Obviously this is a scenario that many men are so desperate to experience that they are prepared to take years to transition into a different sex and I had managed it by just not reading the signs on the door properly. I have to say though that it wasn’t a great experience. I just felt really embarrassed that I was in the wrong toilet and spluttered an apology to the child I had encountered and was overcome with humiliation and shame. I then walked back to my table to discover the girl was sitting on the table behind us, laughing and excitedly telling some very amusing story to her mum. But when she saw me she stopped talking and pretended nothing was going on. It was a disaster for me and one that might have ended up in my arrest. I do not recommend it.

Luckily after a week where I’d done nothing of interest, I had some enough stand up material from one lunch for two weeks of RHLSTP.

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