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A switch seems to have been flicked and I am back to healthy living again - though I think the bug and subsequent tiredness that I’ve had for most of year was a big factor in my biscuit eating. The lesson I learned from having cancer (ha, like I actually had cancer - still not accepting that) was that I wanted to live as long as possible which two years ago spurred me on to get to an acceptable level of fitness. It’s slipped away somewhat annoyingly, but I don’t think it will take too much to get it back. Just need to stick the switch in the position that it’s currently in
I do feel lucky to still be here and to see my kids get to 8 and 5 and hopefully at the point now where they will both remember me whatever happens. Two years ago I wondered if, if I was going to die, it was best to do it soon, so that the impact on the nippers would be less. I’d be a guy they vaguely remembered or didn’t remember at all and though it wouldn’t be great to lose their dad, someone else would come along to fill that gap. But thanks to the wonderful NHS I have now lived long enough that if I do die, it will be a significant blight on my kids’ lives and will properly hurt them. So thanks to the NHS for that.
All I care about is that they remember me and am sad that I am gone.
Hopefully I can hang on for a little while though - because the longer I do the more the emotional impact. My daughter actually said she liked me today, which is an amazing turnaround from her general disdain for the last 8 years.
Being alive is pretty good and I’d like to carry on doing it, partly just for myself. Is life worth living without eating the kids’ chocolate buttons and party rings? Not really, but I will push on anyway and all of a sudden it’s easy again to resist all that stuff. There’s two of me (as you may have noticed form my work) and the sensible one has taken back control. But even the one with no self control is getting less crazy. Approaching 29 months without an alcoholic drink. If I don’t eat Party Rings any more then what joy is left to me?
Oh yes, wanking.
I’m fine.
As annoying and dispiriting as it is to yoyo back and forth and to have to start the whole thing again, I think it’s worth it. My ambitions are few now and my family is my main focus - I’ve largely been trying to keep my head down so no one offers me any extra work and I’ve been successful at that - which is good for me, but obviously a bit annoying if I stop and think about it. I really want to find out how it turns out for my kids and what they’ll be like as teenagers and adults. There will (I very much hope) be a point where I no longer get to see how their life progresses) but I’d like to see as much as possible. My little boy is so sweet and innocent (and naughty and annoying) that there’s a part of me that wants him to be like this forever. But I still felt like that two years ago and that little one is lost forever and I don’t mind. So I presume that I will just keep hoping he stays being what he is forever. Maybe with a few years in his teens when I’m looking forward to him becoming a relatively normal person again. Though if he’s as like me as I think he is, I might have to wait until I’m well into my nineties before he seems like a vaguely grown up and sorted out human being.
Anyway, I was a bit tired out by the time it came to Twitch of Fun, which can sometimes lead to good stuff. But the technical side of things went a bit awry which took the wind out of it all a bit. But the bad ones make the less bad ones look good.
Check it out here. Probably not if it's your first one though.
