Well I only sold 25 DVDs today, so the dream of selling 40,000 by Christmas is starting to look a bit shaky. But I still have faith. I believe in the magic of Christmas. I know you won't let me down.
Tonight, TV's Emma Kennedy and I went to a carol and mulled wine party at our posh central London club, Century. Neither of us were massively in the mood, due to various over-indulgences in this Christmas week, but we made a cursory effort to join in with the singing and stuff. There was an annoying drunk man who insisted on talking to us and tried to make us join in more, which made us actually join in less. I thought about punching him, but it was hard to tell whether his enthusiasm was done to alcohol or to some mental condition. I am pretty sure it is the former, but it's another good advert for abstinence when drunkenness can make people uncertain as to whether you might be mentally ill.
More excitingly we realised we were sitting next to movie legend
Fenella Fielding from off of Carry On Screaming. She actually managed to sleep through a good deal of the raucous fun, but there's no shame in that. She is, apparently, an 80 year old woman and had done very well to get out to such an event. And she was looking pretty good for her age, still sporting the look she had in the Carry On Film which was (apparently) released in 1966. She was, at least, instantly recognisable, with the same dark black hair and the same slightly OTT make-up. Perhaps the hair was a wig (perhaps), but it was good to see her still making the effort and also good to see a Carry On star still alive and (mainly) awake in the 21st Century. They are a sadly rare breed.
Screaming is one of my favourites from the Carry On franchise and I used to have the poster on my wall and Fenella's performance was a very sexy and memorable one for the teenage me. How excited I would have been back then to know I would one day sit next to the object of my affections.
I turned to Emma and said "How much would you give me if I had sex with Fenella Fielding?"
Emma thought for a second and then, knowing me too well, reasoned that despite Fenella's advancing age and fragility, that there would be a part of me that would still want to be able to brag of my exploits and correctly priced my depravity at £50. She was also taking into account my gerontophile tendencies. There was no fun in doing something for money when I was prepared to do it for so little money and Emma's further unpublishable comments about the technicalities of making love to an elderly woman completely threw me off my game. If I am going to have sex with one of the Carry On Team it will have to be Windsor.... or possibly Dale. Maybe I could go for Sid James, but I would need to go up to at least £100 for that kind of behaviour.
