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I've had a minor scare over the last couple of weeks. I noticed a large-ish lump on my side, just under my ribs. Obviously in light of what's occurred this year that was a bit of a worry. It didn't hurt, but then neither did my entirely cancerous bollock and I hoped it was just a deposit of fat or something, that had become apparent because of my recent (managed) weight loss. Equally, it could be something worse that had become apparent because of my recent weight loss.
I rang my GP who told me to ring my oncologist who saw me two days later. He thought it was almost certainly a lipoma (a fatty deposit) and if so it was harmless, but he sent me for a scan just in case. Remember my GP had been pretty certain that my enlarged ball was not cancer either. It's great that they check and it was brilliant to know they were taking this so seriously.
So that's what I was being scanned for (along with a general check of everything else) last week. My oncologist rang me this morning to let me know that it was indeed a lipoma, though quite a large one and that all the rest of my organs were looking good too. It's immensely reassuring to have these regular body services and I increasingly am beginning to believe that having testicular cancer might result in me living a lot longer than I would have otherwise. It's made me determined to get fit and I have a brilliant medical team making sure that everything inside me is how it should be.
But what's with my body making all these extra new bits. Let's see if we can make a new testicle out of cancer! Let's move some fat over here and see what we can make from it. It feels like my body has got bored of the original model and is trying to perfect or even replace it. All these little tumours (which I believe a lipoma still technically is) seem like my body trying to create an escape pod so they can get out of the decaying mother body, or maybe even just a new life. Hey guys, just realised how old and fucked this guy is, is there any way we can build a new human being in here and use that to escape the citadel as it collapses around us? The testicle experiment seemed to explode on the launch pad, but let's gather up some spare cells and try to make a makeshift womb in his side.
Just concentrate on keeping Richard Herring 1.0 going, fellas! I have managed to contribute to two other human beings and whilst they have been diluted by inferior non-Richard Herring genes, I think that's the best way to get some of my DNA out there for another generation. I know it's tough for all that remains, tethered as we all are to this failing body, but let's try and enter the twilight of our year with some dignity and put an end to the Frankingstein experiments.
My lipoma will be staying with me unless it leads to any issues or if my body finds a way to give it hair, bones, teeth, limbs, eyes etc (which I am not putting past my body). I will love little Lipoma if he or she or they does gain consciousness, but I am hope this will be the last attempt of my stupid body to try and mix things up for the upcoming 55th season of this failing franchise.
Into London this afternoon to do RHLSTP at the Clapham Grand in front of an actual audience. I was still struggling a bit with my cold (even after a good 10 hours sleep) but Geoff Norcott and Sarah Kendall were both wonderful guests and the dedicated 100 or so who came to watch seemed to have a good time. It is really different with a crowd there and it was special and a little emotional to be back in a theatre. Kendall and I egged each other on as usual so there was plenty of stuff that we said that won't be in the final podcast, which is why you should come and see these live if you can. The time flew by.
Do try and come and see one of the remaining four dates. Next week (a matinee) with Johnny Vegas and Jessie Cave is selling well, so be quick.
