4733/17392
Having a baby is mainly negatives. My stupid sexcrement woke up about every half an hour during the night and got all confused thinking she was alone, but I was sleeping in the bed next to her cot and just had to say “It’s all right, daddy’s here” and she’d calm down and go to sleep again. But when she woke up 30 minutes later did she remember what had just happened? Did she fuck. I had to go through the same rigmarole. Talk about needy. What a prick!
But there are some useful benefits. For example Phoebe loves playing with the telly remote controls. She doesn’t know what she’s doing, or I think even realise that the buttons do anything. She just loves pressing the buttons. Which is largely bad because if you’re trying to watch something it will suddenly get turned over to a different channel, or the sound will go off or some unknown menu will suddenly appear on screen. But on the positive side this means I have now had to learn what nearly every button on every remote control we have is for. When the time appeared on the screen I had to search through the controls to find the button that would take the time away, whilst still wondering what kind of idiot would want to have the time on screen, interrupting viewing and drawing focus. But now I know how to get the time on screen should I ever have a mental breakdown and want that to happen. Thanks Phoebe. It was worth all the having sex to create you now.
And the kickstarter snooker million is so close that I can almost taste it with another two people donating a total of £12 today. Someone asked me what it tasted of, which was stupid of them. Because I said I could almost taste it, so I don’t know what it tastes like. From the smell I’m getting I’d say it tastes of a single Twix finger crushed up and mixed into a jar of Marmite. But I don’t know. I might be getting that smell from somewhere else. There’s still 10 days to go, I am not giving up on my dream.
We had a day off and so went on a family holiday. Well we went and had lunch in the local Mexican restaurant and pretended we were abroad, by drinking cocktails and playing Scrabble as some musak cover versions played over the speakers and the baby slept. It was actually a lot of fun, which shows how terrible my life has become since I became a dad.
My only comfort is knowing that I have brought my baby into a horrible, broken world and that her life will be Hell. That will teach her.
