4735/17394
Just another day at the office, RTing Richard Dawkings RTing his own praise on Twitter and trying to encourage people to donate to my self-playing snooker kickstarter. Self-playing snooker is one of the things that Islamic State is trying to destroy, (I am pretty certain it’s mentioned in that book that they like) so the only real way to defeat them is to help me raise a million pounds. Most of this will go on keeping the location of the snooker arena a secret. Je Suis Me2.
Still we’ve topped £60,000 and with 8 days to go anything is possible. Surely you can risk £5000 on this now and join in the fun.
Am I the only one who finds the new Jack Black/George Clooney Nespresso ad a tad creepy? Bumbling idiot Jack Black can’t even say the Nespresso tagline right and so is a loser with women, but then when he learns how to say it properly a woman young enough to be his daughter (if only he’d had sex before Nespresso was invented) is suddenly interested in having full sex with him. Because women can’t resist coffee that has been pre-packaged in pods and which can only be made with compatible machines. George having passed on the secret of why women want to bang him to the too-symmetrical faced funny man looks over, gives a little look that says, “Yup, you’ve got it, she’s going to take your virginity, Jack” and then gives a little gesture with his mouth which turns him from a Sex God into the 21st Century Sid James, and then I presume the camera cuts away as he makes that sexy fist gesture that men used to do in the 70s and says “Phwoooooar!” and you suddenly realise he is much too old to be acting in this way, especially given the whole reason he was getting women in the first place was down to this Rohypnol like love potion and being able to say the correct catch-phrase. Then Blakey from On The Buses comes in and says “I ‘ates you, Clooney”, though that’s only in the out takes and only because Blakey is a ghost and Clooney literally shits himself. But was it all the coffee or his OAP status that caused that? It’s one of the great mysteries of life and that’s what keeps the viewers hooked into the soap opera of the whole thing.
The next ad is Clooney and Black double teaming a beautiful young woman who has become confused by the aroma of once fresh coffee and the older men’s ability to put two words in the right order. They are using their unfortunate victim’s back as a coffee table and discussing how cool it is to be able to ensnare women with such a tiny cup of coffee, as their old man balls drag on the ground and they try and fail to achieve a satisfying orgasm. And both shit themselves.
It’s not quite as sophisticated, but it is expected to sell a lot of Nespresso machines to deluded middle-aged men who think that they might be in with a chance of seeming attractive to idiots.
I should point out that I have a Nespresso machine, as well as problems with controlling my bowels, less powerful orgasms and testicles that have been affected by half a century’s worth of gravity. So if you’re a beautiful idiot who might be able to overlook those issues in return for watching me drink a small amount of coffee then please get in touch. And finally the burden of my virginity will be taken from me.
