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Wednesday 1st February 2006

I hadn't enjoyed doing the Last Word on More 4 too much last night. There were too many panellists and too many subjects and it was hard to chip in in time.
But today I got to do a VT item which was a lot more fun and it made me realise the potential of these late night satellite channel shows that hardly anyone sees. Because I had the idea for the piece in the cab on the way in, wrote it in the morning, was out on the streets filming it in the afternoon and it was in the show that night. That's a pretty tight and exciting turnaround and obviously I had a lot of control about what I said and did, so the finished product should be pretty much what I want it to be. In theory anyway, but of course the editing process was out of my hands and a lot of stuff got cut out -probably for time, but also possibly because I made a joke about Balls of Steel which was made by the production company who make the Last Word and is presented by the presenter of the Last Word. This is a shame as they would all have looked a lot cooler if they had left it in and was doubly annoying because the director had done this great shot of me delivering the entire first paragraph walking quickly along Threadneedle Street which we got in one take and I had been really looking forward to see it.
I know it's incredibly difficult for the production team to get this show together in time and they have to get a great swathe of material down to only 23 minutes (and we messed around a lot more in the studio today and it went much better in my opinion), so it might genuinely just have been a time thing, but it seems a shame to cut out the jokes and as it turned out the punchline to the whole sketch.

But I cannot be censored and I am almost certain that more people will end up reading this than watching the show. So for those few of you who saw it and want to know how the full version went and for those many of you who didn't see it at all, here was the script I was working from (though I made a few alterations in performance):

“Money Money Money must be funny in a rich man’s world” so Abba claimed and who would argue with that. If I had loads of money then nothing could ever stop me laughing: not the needless torture of a kitten, not the death of the entire royal family, not even Channel 4’s Balls of Steel. I would be laughing all the way to the bank and all the way back home from the bank. And then when I got home, I would continue laughing. Because I would be rich. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. And so on.
And yet according to a new report from investment banker James Montier money actually makes you unhappy and mental and in reality things like love and family and self-respect are more important. It sounds like the kind of crazy comedy dreamt up by the writers of the film Scrooged and yet look at the miserable faces of these multi millionaires.
PICS OF MISERABLE RICH PEOPLE WITH HOW MUCH THEY ARE WORTH WRITTEN ON THEM
Abba lied to us. But if it’s any consolation to you the money they made from the song money, money, money has only made them miserable.
PICTURE OF BENNY AND BJORN FROM ABBA LOOKING VERY HAPPY. WITH HOW MUCH MONEY THEY HAVE WRITTEN ON THEM
They’re faking it. And we had to pay them an extra £1.50 for quoting their song so it’s only getting worse. Take that Benny and Bjorn! And to a lesser extent Anna-Frid and Agneta.

Yet despite this terrifying new evidence the poor people of Europe are this week going literally Eurolottery crazy, buying tickets for this usually unpopular game of chance because the jackpot is expected to exceed 125 million pounds. (GESTURING TO PEOPLE FILLING IN THEIR TICKET) Look at the stupid poor people. Don’t they understand that having 125 million pounds, paying off all their debts and being able to buy food won’t make them happy at all?
The truly important things in life are:
Bringing up your children
PIC OF KIDS
Travelling the world and seeing all the wonders of God’s creation
PIC OF BEAUTIFUL SCENERY
Making sweet with someone spiritually and physically beautiful
PIC OF BEAUTIFUL SULTRY WOMAN

But all these things cost a fuck of a lot of money - .
PICTURES AGAIN WITH PRICES OF WHAT THEY COST ON THEM
Shit, better get a ticket. Get out of the way poor-o.

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