6522/19442
My day was dominated by my carousel cupboard. I tried a variety of ways to get into it, just looking for the perfect item that was long enough to reach the stuck pan, pliable enough to bend enough to get into the space required to move the handle (or hooky enough to jolt the pan itself) and strong enough not to break or bend so it was able to lift or move the blockage.
Also the gap I was working with was so small that I largely had to work blind. I could hold up the small torch and peek inside, like I had discovered a really shit King Tut’s tomb containing a grater and some colanders. But it was hard to hold up the torch and manoeuvre whatever I was using at the same time.
I was lucky that I had managed to spot what I thought was the problem (as half of the cupboard was hidden round the corner), but there was every chance I was wrong anyway.
I did not have much luck. I had tried a coat hanger yesterday but it was not strong enough to hook on to anything. I tried jiggling, hitting, kicking, slapping. I tried a bamboo cane from a flower pot, but that just broke, but then I tried some freshly cut bamboo from the garden that was the best yet. A bit of prodding helped make the gap a few mms bigger, but then that bent and snapped too and it was impossible to guide it into the small gap between the central pole of the cupboard and the handle that needed to be moved.
My poker from the fire was too thick - another one I found was too short. It was maybe 60 cm to the back of the cupboard.
I went into town to go the supermarket and I headed to the hardware shop to see what I could find. I got some hooks (though didn’t know how I would attach them to anything) and a curtain rod that seemed strong but had a little bounce in it and then as a left field choice (because I was pretty sure it wouldn’t fit in the gap) I got one of those grabbers that old people use to pick stuff up off the floor so they don’t have to bend their back. To be honest I was pretty sure that this wouldn’t do the job, but it was a good excuse to get one and pretend it wasn’t because I needed it in my decrepit day to day life.
Anyway the curtain pole nearly worked but then it bent too far and lost its bounce and the grabber wouldn’t fit in the tiny gap.
I spent an afternoon reporting the affair on Twitter, to the entertainment of many and fielding half-arsed suggestions, mainly from people who thought I should use a coat hanger, or remove drawers and burrow my way in (the drawers next to the unit do not remove easily if at all and I did not want to start smashing my way in, even from the side) or remove the skirting board and work my way up (there was no skirting board) or remove the hinges (it’s a carousel and so doesn’t have them, but even if it did, I couldn’t see inside or get to them). It was a whole lot of fun.
The gap was gradually getting a bit bigger (and I didn’t know if that was due to me buffeting the pan with blows from bamboo etc or if I was just stretching the door out of joint), but also the panel by the crack was getting damaged and scuffed and there was a small hillock of saw dust on the kitchen floor.
It was frustrating and giving me a headache and I thought it would never end, but appreciated there was good comedic value in it, if only for a blog and an afternoon on Twitter. I had to remind myself that one day this problem would be sorted and I’d see my pans again, but it felt hopeless and impossible and I didn’t really want to give in and either call out a tradesperson (and who would you call for this?) or smash the fucking thing to pieces.
Emma Kennedy thought she could do it and then suggested gaffer-taping something to the end of a bamboo pole. What a fucking amateur.
Katy Brand thought I should push it hard in the middle and then it would turn. She clearly didn’t understand that the thing wasn’t moving because of a jammed pan handle. The mistake I was making was listening to beloved light comedy actors and not cupboard physicists.
But I thought I should go and actually try something, rather than just tweet about it, so I tried her pushing idea. I don’t think it made any difference, but maybe it helped a bit. I think, in truth six hours of pushing and sliding various items into my own crack had made the aperture gape a little. I wondered if maybe the old person’s picky-uppy thing might fit now.
It did.
And though, like a kind of Tommy, cupboard wizard I had to operate only by sense of smell and a vague idea where the pan might be (though in honest the gap was big enough now to get a better glimpse) I managed to get my crab like pincer into the pan, hold it and jiggle. I couldn’t be certain quite what I was jiggling. But eventually and suddenly the dam burst and the cupboard spun open and I have never felt such happiness, satisfaction and achievement in my life (but then I haven’t achieved much). It was better than my wedding and birth of my kids combined.
I HAD DONE IT.
With no help from anyone.
I took a triumphant photo and people were amazed to see I own two graters. But that’s the level of showbiz success I have achieved. I like to have an emergency grater in case one of my graters is trapped in a cupboard or in the dishwasher. The mistake I had made was to keep my emergency grater with my regular grater. This is why the royal family do not travel together.
Some people asked me what I was doing keeping pans in a carousel cupboard and that I should put things like tins in there and to be honest that had never occurred to me. It’s close to the hob and convenient and I am not quite sure where we’d put our pans. But if all that comes from this is that We can store most of our food int hat cupboard (which will be much more efficient as we waste a lot of space with the pans in there) then this will be a game changer.
But my wife makes those kind of decisions and I could tell from her basic “Yeah, interesting idea” response that she’s not going to go for it. I thought she’d also be more impressed with me for having got the cupboard open, but when you’re married you are two competing teams and even though all your goals are the same, you must fight every battle for the victory. So I am sure she was just annoyed that I’d done it and that her suggestion after 30 minutes that we should just smash the cupboard and not proven to be the right tactic.
Hold on, was I right about something. First time in nearly 13 years of being together.
The cupboard was stuck for over 24 hours and I spent at least six of those hours trying to open it. In some ways it was a waste of my working day, but then in others, it was creating work and comedy for me. I wish I had live streamed it, but to be honest I didn’t have enough hands to do the job, let alone film myself doing it.
I think I can say, without hyperbole, that it was the victory that 2020 needed. Everything is going to be OK.
I did immediately shut the cupboard and jiggle it around to see if it would get stuck again.
Oh and I did a very chilled Stone Clear this morning, in sharp contrast to last night's exhausted snooker.
Listen in here and enjoy the mellow vibe.
