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Another of the crimes I forgot to mention yesterday was the story of the cannibal who found a willing “victim” who was happy to be eaten. You may well know this story, but they met online and then met up so the cannibal could eat the person who wanted to be cannibalised (isn’t the internet wonderful? How would they have met up in the past). They then cut off the meal’s penis, fried it up in some herbs and garlic and tried to eat it together. But it turned out to be inedible.
Then the cannibal killed the guy without the penis and kept him cut up in the freezer for future meals.
But I couldn’t help thinking that that was a disappointing last few hours for the other guy. He’d been looking forwards to being eaten, but before that happened, enjoying a last meal of his own cock. And then (embarrassingly?) his penis turned out to be inedible. So he’s sitting there, presumably in some discomfort, maybe regretting his choices, thinking “This isn’t as good as I thought it would be.” And maybe thinking “God, I hope this cannibal won’t judge me for having an inedible penis. It was already an embarrassing small portion, but I got a bit nervous when he was about it off. None of this is going how I hoped.”
Did he suggest that they maybe eat a different part of him together? Or was he too upset to suggest that and just wanted to get it over with.
The only thing that could have happened to make it worse would have been if the police had turned up at the last minute and saved him, so he didn’t even get eaten.
I’d write this up as a short film if I hadn’t already been in one about a man cutting off his own penis. I mean that is a very specific niche to find yourself in as an actor.
Excitement in the Herring household today as we were going to meet Father Christmas (for the second Sunday in a row) at the kids’ gym class. Ernie wanted to dress in his elf costume. It was the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen in 2020, but the competition has not been fierce.
On the first floor of the gym, above the entrance door, there is another door. It’s not clear why there would be a door on the first floor - it’s not got anything but pedestrian access so it can’t be for unloading. Maybe the building used to continue on, but it doesn’t seem clear why they wouldn’t have put a window in when they changed it. Maybe there was once a balcony. My daughter suggested that they once used that door to make baddies walk the plank. I said I thought that the drop was not enough to do any serious damage (they might break their legs, but if they were careful they wouldn’t) and having heard that my son became obsessed with the idea that in the olden times baddies would walk the plank from the first floor of the building. He started telling the other kids in the queue. Obviously that made little sense to them, but it didn’t seem the right vibe to start a visit to Santa.
It was a fun hour, playing on Christmas themed gym equipment and then going into the kitchen area, now down up as a grotto and meeting Santa. Neither of them seemed to realise it was a different Santa than last week’s one. But at least we got our yearly photo of the kids with Father Christmas (me and Ernie missed one because we had a bug). Santa asked the kids for a joke and one of the boys said “Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill? To get to the bum.” He quickly corrected himself to the correct answer of bottom, but I think I preferred the first version.
It’s rather a delight to watch a group of 3 to 5 year olds get to interact with Santa. Ernie didn’t tell him about the baddies walking the plank but went into a garbled soliloquy about the North Pole. Phoebe was uncharacteristically shy, but she has a history of suspicion with this weird present-giving old man, so that maybe fair enough. When asked what she wanted for Christmas she said a carpet which might be the strangest thing that he has ever been asked for by a 5 year old.
He took it in his stride though
I guess when you’re an immortal old man who lives at the North Pole with some elves making presents for all the world’s children which you deliver in one night that nothing can phase you.
