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Thursday 16th June 2022


First thing this morning I managed to trap my penis between the toilet seat and the toilet. The seat can get a little loose and I was sitting on the loo and then tried to reach into the cupboard to get something for my son and somehow my penis got caught up. Luckily it was just a little nip to the skin rather than the whole thing falling into those plastic porcelain jaws. It still hurt though,
Is the universe determined to make me look like the poster for Talking Cock the second coming (it’s me as an Action Man)?
When I got downstairs I shut the fridge on my finger.
Ernie found both incidents hilarious. Mainly because I was crying out in pain both times. 

I haven’t really done stand up for about four years. There’s been a few charity gigs, but usually only ten minutes and maybe two live shows in between the lockdown, since I made my rash decision not to ever do any pre-Covid stand up material live again.
On Saturday I am MCing a gig at the kids’ primary school and today I tried to work up some material for it. I got a few jokes together, but nowhere near enough for my three spots and it’s quite a high pressure gig as if I bomb then that’s years that I have to walk past these people every morning. I think I might have to bend or break my rule, though if I am honest, its so long since I’ve gigged that I don’t even remember most of my actual material anyway. We’ll see what I come up with tomorrow. I am going to do a proper night of new material on 11th July at the Phoenix (along with another Twitch of Fun) as I try to get together some material for my new podcast “Can I Have My Ball Back?” So maybe that will be the starting point for properly dumping all my safety material. I slightly worry that my resolution to not do any old material might actually be stopping me doing stand up gigs. So maybe a toe dip back in, with a rubber ring to keep me afloat is the right move.
Though at least one of my old jokes no longer works due to my deficiency in the testicle department.
I do want to get back into proper stand up - obviously I have a little impro bash at the start of each RHLSTP but that doesn’t really count. It’s been four years since I finished the Oh Frig I’m 50 tour. Given I used to put out a new stand up show (nearly) every year, this is a long gap. The success of the podcast is part of the reason of course. For many years the money raised from arduous touring was the lion’s share of my yearly wage and I needed to do it to keep going (not that I didn’t want to do it). Now the podcasts have started providing me with financial security and lockdown and cancer have made me realise how much I want to be around my family as much as possible, the impetus to get out on the road is not anywhere near as strong. So it’s going to have to be a great show to get me back out there. I had planned to do a stand up show about the cancer, but I have already told that story in quite a few formats: book, sitcom plot, puppet, podcast, that it feels like it would be overkill.
Maybe I’ll be able to riff my way through on Saturday. That’s what I mainly used to do at those Bush Hall gigs I hosted when I lived a few streets away in Shepherds Bush. Or I can do a whole set about stuff that will only be relevant to the people of this area of Hertfordshire whose kids go to one specific primary school. I have another day or two to sort myself out. I am sort of looking forward to it.

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