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I’ve always known that I was important to the people of Great Yarmouth in Norfolk, but it wasn’t until today that I realised how important. As far as I recall I’ve never even been to the town, let alone played a gig there, but still I have found a place in the hearts of the simple people who live there. You might think they wouldn’t like me referring to them as simple, but they are so relieved that I don’t go for the route one gag of saying that they’re all inbred and married to their own siblings that they respect and love me.
Right back at you Great Yarmouth. And you’re right, you’re way better than regular Yarmouth (on the Isle of Wight) which, if there were three Yarmouths would have to rename itself Shit Yarmouth and where all the people are inbred and married to their own siblings.
Anyway, my many years of work on unpopular TV shows, stand up tours which struggle to get an audience (especially in Norfolk) and self-indulgent podcasts have led to Great Yarmouth to considering naming a bridge after me. It’s not in the bag yet, by any means. The people of that borough have come up with five possibilities, but even to be in the top five is a huge achievement.
I’m up against Brittannia Bridge, Queens Gate (that one won’t win, not just because of the absence of the apostrophe, but because they’re naming a bridge, not a gate), Yare Bridge (not sure what the means but I think it might be what local pirates call it - shiver me timbers, look at yare bridge over yonder) and Kings Bridge (again no apostrophe, but at least they have remembered it’s a bridge). But Herring Bridge is the sensible choice and definitely a tribute to me, not the fish because a) who would name a bridge after a fish? The fish won’t even know the book is named after it and also when does a fish ever use a bridge? Fish laugh at bridges - can’t you even get through water without constructing a sky path? You are pathetic.
b) It’s a capital H and the fish has a lower case h.
You might say that it could be named after another person called Herring - maybe as a nod to my dad for his many years of service to the education system. But he never taught anyone in Norfolk and whilst I don’t think he ever made a joke about them being inbred or married to their own siblings, he would probably laugh at a joke like that if he heard it.
You might say that the bridge could be named after John Frederick Herring, the Victorian painter, sign-maker and coachman or his son John Frederick Herring who was also a painter. But come on, who remembers them? Or Katherine Herring, the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League player. You’re talking out of your arse. It’s me. They named it after me.
No one wants this bridge to be named after a Gate, or rubbish King Charles or Brittannia. Yare wouldn’t be so bad. But I am urging you to do the right thing and
head to the website and name this bridge after me, so that once I am gone, my name will live on.
And then, when it is named Herring Bridge, maybe head over there and write in “Richard” on the sign, just so it’s clear who it’s named after.
This is my chance for immortality. Don’t let me down.
RHLSTP Book Club with Rob Manuel talking about his Very Best of Fesshole book
is here.
