7514/20443
Woke up feeling awful. I was exhausted again, but also my eye was really hurting. It had started to hurt last night, but I couldn’t work out why. We’d been playing poker with friends and eating crisps, so maybe some crips dust had got in my eye. But today it was worse and my eyes were bloodshot and I was in a lot of discomfort. Like when the kids used to accidentally scratch me in the eye when they were babies. But no baby had scratched my eye. Had it?
Maybe when I was asleep I guess.
But the eye had hurt before that. No. That makes no logical sense then.
On top of the eye pain I was lethargic and even walking the dog left me breathless and sweating. I have spent so much of this year with bugs and feeling crap, but when you’re had cancer it’s easy to start thinking that every little thing might be something serious. Did I have eye cancer? Have I been cursed by a witch to lose one of every ball on my body? I don’t feel like I’ve been doing that much, so it’s weird to be so exhausted. But being a parent is tough. And being 55 (for another week or so) also means things aren’t what they used to be. What if my eye is just going to hurt like this forever now? If so, then I would welcome death. At least it would get me out of having to do stuff.
Catie and Phoebe were having a girls' day out, which left Ernie and me having a boys day in - not exactly the company one might need in the circumstances, but we watched some telly and made some monsters out of clay and took the dog for a walk and he surprised me with his improving vocabulary - he talked about the habitat of some ducks we passed. He’s crazy and silly and larks about, but I think he might be pretty smart. Somehow I coped and we got through the day. I do want to be around to see these two marvels reach adulthood. It’s very hard to imagine Ernie being anything but a kid, so I’d love to see what kind of adult he turns out to be. Though I feel I can maybe find that out by just looking at myself in the mirror. I am being punished for being me all my life by now having to bring up myself. As it should be.
I went to bed before the kids and hope a good sleep will sort me out. It’s the next day now and it pretty much did.
If you haven't yet bought Can I Have My Ball Back? (and why not?) it's only 99p on kindle this month. How much was my testicle worth to you? Did I lose a ball for this? Anyway, it's apparently still good for me if you buy it at this ridiculous price, so knock yourself out.
It's here! 
