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I saw someone on Twitter lamenting the fact that these days conkers lay on the ground, ungathered by schoolkids. It would be impossible for the 8 year old me to fathom that such riches would just be left to be squashed and eaten by squirrels (don't do it squirrels, those things are poisonous). Tonight on the dog walk I saw a conker so perfect that I had to gather it up and stick it in my pocket, even though I had nothing that I could conceivably do with it.
I don't think I was even very good at conkers. I had bad eye to hand coordination in the mid-70s and was even scared to skewer the things so I could get my old shoelaces through and was suspicious of the submerging in vinegar and baking cheats that my competitors might be indulging in. I did manage to get one hardy conker up to maybe be a 35erer, but I can't recall if it retired undefeated or finally succumbed to the fate of all conkers - getting eaten by a squirrel that then dies.
My new incredibly chestnut-coloured chestnut will not go on to fight and will stay in my coat pocket for a while, where I will forget about it, but occasionally rediscover as I search for a dog poo bag. It's so smooth and perfect, but it's hard too. I think it could fuck up a lot of schoolkids' rubbish conkers if only health and safety and the rise of the Gameboy (that's still flying high right?) hadn't destroyed a perfectly harmless past time that probably only blinded less than 100 schoolkids a year (
this report from 9 years ago suggests the decline was not down to health and safety, just kids losing interest in this admittedly Victorian-seeming pastime).
My instinct was still there. I couldn't leave a good conker be. But what will become of my prize? It will not enter Conker Valhalla that's for sure, as all conkers must dream of, but have the ignominy of remaining unsmashed and maybe being thrown into the soil, where it will produce many more generations of conkers that will never experience the dignity of battle. For shame.
The RHLSTP tour shows have started going out on the podcast, with a real cracker to start with, with the multi-talented Adil Ray.
Listen here.
