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I did not jigsawing at all today. I thought this was my new life, but I think it was just a phase. like the four years that I was gay in the noughties. Unsuccessfully gay, mind you. Got no takers. Men are notoriously tricky to seduce, so I took the easy road and went back to women.
Unsuccessfully Gay is a good title for a stand up show. That's 2025 sorted.
2024 has not seen me get out of my creative slump - lots of admin and life stuff getting in the way of work, but after taking the kids to school and walking the dog and trying to book some guests and doing some cooking, I had a few hours in the afternoon that I might have used to buckle down to some work. I didn't buckle down though. Part of me wants to get back into writing, maybe even just something for my own entertainment, but another part of me isn't playing ball.
Talking of ball, the stand up show I will be doing this year was getting into pretty good shape, but I need to do lots more work on it, but I didn't do any of that either. You can't force writing though. Either that or you have to force it with an unmissable deadline. Maybe the hunger has gone or maybe I've lost it. Or maybe it's down to no one else being particularly hungry for my writing work. Or maybe I just think other things are more important now.
I am really looking forward to doing the stand up show - it just doesn't feel urgent enough yet (and the first gig of the year is now a week away, which is ages
http://richardherring.com/gigs). Tonight as we watched Triangle of Sadness and I tried to work out if I hated it or liked it (we're only 2/3rds of the way through and I suspect the last act is where all the questions of money and status are resolved) I started to wonder if I knew who I actually was. I've spent so much of my adult life writing about myself, but still have very little idea of who I am or how I am perceived, by others and even myself. I wasn't thinking this in a depressive way. I am largely content with my life (which is probably the problem creatively - being unsettled is a great way to get creative) and delighted that by some impossible chance I got to experience temporary consciousness (at probably the ideal time and location for this to happen). I just haven't worked myself out. I suspect that no one really does and that those who think they have are deluding themselves. Life is a ridiculous (I'm presuming) accident and it's futile searching for much meaning, because even if there is one I can't see anyone finding it (and my hunch is there isn't one anyway).
I have failed to take life very seriously for most of my existence, but that might not be a bad way to take it. The ones who take it seriously seem to be the ones that get us into the most trouble. Seeing all those unhappy puking people on a super yacht (Triangle of Sadness) is probably what prompted my attempt to plumb my own shallows. Sadly my head hit the bottom very quickly. It's possible to not know who you are but also not be particularly complicated.
Soon enough, compared to the infinity of time, I will be wiped from existence and memory and so will you, so let's not worry about it too much. It's really cool being alive, in spite of all the people fucking up the world. What a ride.
