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Phoebe came downstairs crying tonight, after bed time. She said she has seen something she shouldn't have seen on youtube. I had a feeling I knew what it would be, obviously hoping it wasn't something too inappropriate. It was the moment I've been anticipating for a while. She'd seen something about kids being upset when they find out Father Christmas isn't real.
I didn't know how this moment would go. I couldn't remember how it had gone for me when I found out (all I remember is that I was 28 years old) but my feeling it it happened gently enough to not be a revelation and that I went from believer to being in on the secret. But I had older siblings. I suspect I knew from quite a young age.
Should I have a chat where I revealed the truth or try to paper over the cracks and kick that ball down the road. She was really upset and actually said "Nothing is real".
So I decided to tell her something that would be useful to her down the line, that you can't believe things you hear on the internet and that lots of people say things that aren't true on there, so you have to be very careful to research a subject properly and find out the facts. Good advice, but given I was telling her this to cover up a lie shows how complex the issue is.
She asked to google the question, which I thought would be safe, but couldn't be sure, so I had to say that Google wasn't always right and was also on the internet. Good job I didn't as the first entry says "Whilst there is no man in the sky riding a sleigh pulled by reindeers, Santa Claus isn't a completely made-up person – the inspiration behind this festive fellow stemmed from a monk, named Saint Nick, who was revered for his untold generosity and selflessness" Nice work Google, you prick.
I risked asking Alexa who proved the existence of Santa by calling him up to confirm his existence personally. Well done Alexa.
We had a chat about beliefs, about how sometimes things we believe when we are kids, we don't believe later - I asked if she could think of anything she didn't believe any more (having heard her say that fairies aren't real, apart from the tooth fairy), but she could only think that she used to like the colour pink but doesn't anymore. But that's valid.
I told her that I didn't believe in God, but loads of people do and there's no way of knowing who is right. But that I believe in Father Christmas, because where do the presents come from. When I denied the accusation that I did it (not really lying, her mum does most of it) she said maybe my dad did it and I laughed at the idea that that old man who moves slowly round his own house had made it out to Hertfordshire, come down our chimney and left gifts.
I think, in the end, I convinced her that youtube had lied to her, but I know she's had suspicions herself and that this can't have left her entirely satisfied. It was heartbreaking to see her trust betrayed and her tears of disappointment and the corresponding nihilism. How this moment doesn't make everyone question all fantastical figures (including deities) I don't know. God and Santa basically have the same modus operandi, except God doesn't leave any presents as evidence of his existence and lets the world go to shit in spite of being everywhere and all powerful.
People are idiots. As the continuing story of our species indicates daily.
I think I did good parenting there, though maybe next time I have to take the option to tell her the truth. I don't think we can get to next Christmas with her faith intact, but need to make sure that the disillusionment doesn't hit her little brother yet. Unlikely as it is that she won't tell him.
My son, meanwhile is going through a protracted period of worrying about a zombie apocalypse and not wanting to be left alone in case it happens. So I am constantly telling him that this imaginary characters do not exist, whilst telling his sister that hers do. What a fucking mine field.
She doesn't read my blog, but again that's something I will have to think about for the future, because it is just a google away. Time to set up parental controls on the old laptop she uses for school work (and youtube). In fact sadly that time has already passed. But better do it now.
How lovely to chat with one of the nicest and wittiest men in show business, the very brilliant Robert Bathurst.
Listen here. 
