I went out for dinner with the comedian Lee Mack.
As we arrived in the restaurant the waitress said to me, "You've been here before."
She was right. I'd been a couple of times. The last occasion was a couple of weeks ago with the comedian Dan Antopolski.
Then the waitress added, "Mr Pork Bellies."
Again she was right, both Dan and me had eaten Pork Bellies on the last visit. But of course to anyone listening to that conversation you would think she was commenting on my (sadly increasing) gut or on my gluttony. She realised what it sounded like and immediately tried to cover "I don't mean anything personal. That's what you ate." But by now I was holding my stomach sadly and Lee was laughing. She tried to flannel her way out of it, but it just seemed worse. Luckily I found it amusing, but even so it was quite embarrassing.
Of course, she was trying to be nice, and showing off that she remembered both me and what I ordered. But by adding the epithet Mister, she had immediately changed the meaning. If anything it sounded like I was memorable to her because I was always in there, stuffing my face with pork bellies. To achieve a nick-name like "Mr Pork Bellies" one would have to imagine that I came in one night and ordered pork bellies, then ate it, then ordered another pork bellies, which I devoured before asking for three more pork bellies. Possibly ending in some kind of real life version of the Monty Python sketch where Terry Jones's guts explode.
You'd remember me then wouldn't you? Everyone in the kitchen would be saying, "Hey remember that pork bellies bloke who ate all the pork bellies and who also had a belly a bit like a pig might have? Let's think of a nick-name for him. How about Mr Pork Bellies?" Then for the next fortnight it would be a running joke in the restaurant. Gluttonous customers would be compared to the disgusting Mr Pork Bellies, and come off favourably. Someone would put a pig carcas down the front of their apron and say "Who's this?" and everyone wold shout out "Mr Pork Bellies!" and laugh til they wept.
Then one day Mr Pork Bellies would return to the restaurant, with a different friend who knew nothing of his Pork Belly fetish and the waitress would remember him and before she could stop herself she would blurt out the secret, satirical nick-name and ruin another friendship.
That at least is what I'm sure Lee Mack was thinking.
The fact is I had only eaten one pork belly (and so had Dan Antopolski, but did he get an unfair nick-name? Oh no) and on my previous visit I had steak (But she didn't chose to call me "Mr Rare Sirloin With Mustard Mash", did she? No because that wouldn't make me sound like a gluttonous pig.) Yet here I am marked for life as Mr Pork Bellies or Porky B to some of the younger chefs.
I ordered the duck.
