My wife and I met up with a couple of other comedians who were in town to go to
The Doctor Who Experience in Cardiff Bay. Four adults going to see an exhibition about a children's television show... thank God one of us was a pretty young woman or I think we might have been turned away at the door. Except that I suspect that Doctor Who people are used to strange looking nerdy forty-something men turning up, knowing that they are more interested in meeting Davros or the Melkur than inappropriately looking at kids. I am not entirely sure which is more worthy of disdain.
The woman at the entrance warned us not to stand on the podiums in the exhibition as they had not been built to withstand the weight of humans, which rather begged the question of which alien species it had been built to withstand the weight of. And were any of those aliens amongst us? If you were an alien and it was your day off I think you'd definitely come to see this, to laugh at the puny humans' idea of what they might be like.
To begin with you're shown into a room and some highlights of the series are shown on a screen as Matt Smith does a voice over. I really hoped that he was doing this live in a little room somewhere, having to repeat it hundreds of times a day and never revealing that he's there. But I guess they have it on tape.
The first part of the experience is a mini adventure, in which your group has to help the Doctor escape from the Pandorica, which he'd foolishly got trapped in for a second time. I won't give too many details as I assume some of you nerds out there will not want spoilers, even for this not real adventure from this made up programme. But we got to go into the Tardis- which really is bigger on the inside than on the outside and we got held prisoner by the Daleks. I flicked the Vs at one of them, which did seem to immediately turn towards me and I thought I might get exterminated, but my insurrection went unpunished. I won't reveal if we escaped or if the Doctor got out of the Pandorica or if I weed myself, but it was lots of fun and a little bit scary and at one point I moved when I was about to be grabbed by a 3D image of a cyberman.
Anyway after we'd helped the Doctor get out of the Pandorica and escaped the Daleks - ooops- we got to look around the rest of the exhibit, including props, costumes and monsters from the various series, which will delight any fan of the show. I was most impressed to see clothing worn by Amy Pond, which I got close enough to sniff. So I did. Who knows what might have seeped out of her in all the excitement of being chased by a cyberman (or whatever, who cares.I am 46). My wife gamely and happily took a photo of me acting like a pervert. I assume the staff were just happy to see a man lusting after an adult human woman so didn't stop me. I suspect they have to wipe down quite a few of the exhibits at the end of the day - personally I quite fancy the lizard woman who lived under the earth who was woken up by those miners. I don't know the name of those monsters, because I am too cool. But I am still a man and thus obviously would love to fuck one of them. And would have done if my wife hadn't been watching - and if it hadn't just been a model. I want to have sex with the real lizard woman, not a statue of one - I am not sick. Though I wouldn't mind having a go on one of those angel statues who attack you if you don't look at them. Getting to have sex with them would be quite a challenge and I guess there's a danger that you might get your penis petrified inside their stone fannies if you looked at them while you were having sex, but if you didn't look at them you wouldn't get to see them pulling those scary faces and grabbing at you. It's a Catch 22 for the man who wants to have sex with fictional monsters from a children's television show.
I thought it was a touch expensive at £15, but if you like Doctor Who or ejaculating in or around models of monsters from a children's television show or sniffing the costumes of fictional women that you want to marry then I would recommend it.
