The Musselbrugh gig was fun (sandwich rating 2 - minimal effort and the sandwiches came late and were home-made, but get an extra half a point for being surprisingly tasty). After the gig me and humble Dave Taylor (arrogant Simon Streeting has arrogantly taken some other work this weekend- just because it pays more. Does his vanity and selfishness know no bounds?) headed into Edinburgh for a drink.
We ended up at the Deacon Brodie pub where I used to drink in 1987 when I first came up to Edinburgh with the Seven Raymonds (the line up of which included opera director Stewart Lee and mawkish TV star Emma Kennedy). Back then I remember me and Stew becoming quite fascinated with the downstairs gents toilet, which had no sit-down facility and which consisted of a small room which apart from the door was entirely urinal. It came close to the ultimate dream of a 360 degree urinal. If only they had thought of having a ladder from above as being the entrance then they could have achieved this. It might have led to congestion and accidents, but it would have been worth it to make every man's ultimate dream come true.
Things have changed in the last 17 years and tragically the Deacon Brodie's toilets have been redesigned. Not only is there a sit down facility (Why? What possible use is that?) and the urinal has been replaced by one that takes up only about 60 per cent of the available work space. The modern world has nothing on the past. Change is not a good thing. Well only if it incorporates some kind of ladder/extra urinal arrangement. But let's face it, it never does.
I couldn't bear to wee in this incomplete urinal; it somehow seemed disrespectful to the younger me with my wide-eyed astonishment at the 340 degree urinal. So I went to do a wee in the sit-down facility. As I weed my eyes were drawn to a bold piece of graffiti written on the alcove window sill behind the toilet. It said "Danny loves Alison July 2004".
Given the transitory nature of life I found myself initially wondering if Danny still loved Alison four months on or whether he was already regretting declaring his love so openly and romantically in a gent's lavatory. Presuming it was Danny who had written it. Alison might have snuck into the toilet to let the male population know about Danny's love for her - whilst giving nothing away about her own feelings. Or possibly a third party had taken it upon themselves to inform users of the sit-down facility of the love of Danny for Alison. I think it is most likely that Danny wrote it, but I have learned not to jump to conclusions.
After all there was a possibility that by dating the remark Danny (or whoever) was actually setting a time limit on the thing. He loves Alison, but only for the remainder of July 2004. It's like a sell by date or a warning of some kind. Or an advertisement of Danny's potential availability beyond July of this year.
But then inevitably I began to wonder what had driven anyone to think that the sit down facility in the Deacon Brodie was the place to make this declaration. Especially as the window sill where the message was so boldly written was quite difficult to reach. It would involve leaning over the toilet and stretching a little. Was this any way to celebrate the beautiful emotion of love? What was going on in Danny's head? He clearly wasn't doing this to impress Alison. She would never see his handiwork. What had been going on his head that he felt he wanted to share the news of his feelings and the date of them with strangers using the lavatory? And really only share it with people who were using the sit-down facilities for urinary purposes, as those using them for defecatory motives would have their back to the epistle. So essentially he was trying to get the news across to men with shy bladders or those disillusioned with the Deacon Brodie's decision to destroy their most impressive feature. And maybe also to a gay man who was leaning against the window whilst receiving anal sex, who I don't think would be all that interested even if he chose to stop and read the graffito.
Alison is/was clearly a very lucky girl.
