The receptionist at the hotel recognised me as I was checking out. I hope she doesn't read my blog. My reign of terror might soon be over.
And of course the whole shampoo thing is just a gag. I am a successful 46 year old man. The idea of me prowling a hotel corridor in the hope of finding unattended hair-cleaning products is ridiculous. I'd have to be mean, petty and stupid to do such a thing. I am a perfect hotel guest and you don't need to put me on any kind of shampoo based register...
Here we go. It's the 10th Edinburgh Fringe you've shared with me (if you've read from the beginning) or the 11th if you include the few sad and depraved days I spent up here in 2003. You should be familiar with this bit - the calm before the storm: finding out what this year's flat is like, discovering nothing works, going to the supermarket and settling in with flat-mates (if applicable).
The flat seems fine. It's a bit of a schlep from the Pleasance (but quite near to the Stand and the gym) and it includes a car parking space in a secured car park (the gates open with a clicker- though there are signs up in there saying two cars have been broken into in the last month). Remarkably nothing seemed to be broken in the flat. The wireless internet worked on the first go (has that ever happened?), the hot water comes out hot - I thought I'd have nothing to complain about. But then the gas hob didn't ignite, even though the welcome pack said it would light automitically. I already had my potatoes peeled and in a pan and thought I'd have to go out to the shop to get matches. But the cooker button was off at the wall. Even that was fine.
But just as I relaxed and thought all was OK, fate kicked me in the teeth. There was no potato masher. It's a disaster. I had to use a fork.
Unusually I don't think this is a flat that people live in in the year (it has a guest book for starters) and I imagine that it's rented out to people by the weekend rather than being designed to cater for a month's stay. Firstly although it boasts two double bedrooms (one with two beds in it) they only provide two keys. Which will be a pain when my wife is here as although we like each other we don't spend ALL our time together. I thought that maybe the letting agency could shell out the fiver to get us another set (given the bump in rent we have given them) but they refused and said we'd have to do it ourselves. I did warn them that if that was the case then the key would be mine and I would keep it and come and stay in the flat any time I was in Edinburgh. I think they thought I was joking. But thank God they gave me something to be cross about on day one.
This year we have a flat mate, the fantabulous Ben Moor who is always a Fringe highlight and whose show Each of Us is a must-see. Funnily enough I realised that we first shared a flat in Edinburgh twenty-five years ago when we were in the Oxfrd Revue together. It's nice that we've both come so far. And I can guarantee that if any cupboards get smashed whilst we are in this flat together that I will be the guilty party. Not that I was that other time. You know that I admit to my crimes. I am painfully, self-destructingly honest.
We went to the supermarket, where Edinburgh chose to welcome us by producing a voracious rain-storm, which got markedly even more voracious the minute that we stepped out of the car. It was clearly saying, "If you dare to come here again you will get pissed on from a great height." But we dared. We can put up with water and piss. We've been here for a quarter of a century of this shit. Actually if shit starts raining down on us then I might think twice about coming back next time.
I ran a couple of errands but otherwise just chilled in the flat. I unpacked and noted that my bedroom door foolishly opens up right next to the mirrored wardrobe. The handle rattled the glass the first time I opened it. There's a lost deposit waiting to happen, though surely you could argue that poor design was to blame. I drank a couple of beers just to ease me into this thing (I don't have many commitments tomorrow)
All the details of the We're All Going To Die! Edinburgh run and tour can be found here. And guests and ticket link for RHEFP are here.
