7657/20596
Every author will fairly regularly check their Amazon page for reviews and to find out where they are in the charts (at least in the early days of a new book). A lot of work goes into most books (unless you get someone else to write it for you) and you hope that your work will prove popular, more to justify the time spent on it, than for any riches that might bring to you. Hopefully you've put your heart and soul (and maybe a bollock or two) into it and it's just great to find anyone has read it. Even better if they liked it. Even better if you wake up to find you're Richard Osman and are not only really tall, but a multi-millionaire who can buy all the Haribo in the world.
Can I Have My Ball Back? has done OK. It's got nice reviews on Amazon (mainly), though only a couple of reviews in the media, though hasn't really troubled any best seller lists. I am used to this and I count my blessings that I get to write a book every now and again and get paid to do so and I've had some lovely emails from people about this work and unlike most books I have written it may have saved or improved a couple of lives as well. The books are selling well at gigs (again bringing in a bit more income which is useful as I won't be paid for the gigs until next summer at the earliest) and when I tour the stand up version of the show I suspect they will sell even better, so it only gives me a mild pang of disappointment to see that the paperback is currently 102,298th in the Amazon charts. There are a lot of books out there and that puts me nearer the top than the bottom, but of course there's a part of me that would love it if the book was a proper hit. Just for the saving lives thing, not my own ego and bank balance and desire to make Richard Osman envy me (I don't even envy him - he's such a great guy that I am actually pleased for him, which just makes the whole situation worse).
The book is doing a bit better in the kindle charts this month - but that might be because it's only 99p. Do take advantage of that offer. It sounds like a bad thing to happen, but publishers are falling over themselves to get books included in these deals. Most of my career has been about begging for a pound from everyone who likes me (though if I had a pound for every fan of my work I would have over £70),
so if you have a spare pound and want to shout "I paid a pound (almost)!) then do get the ebook! Anyway every author who isn't already a hit is hoping for that one review or recommendation that suddenly propels them towards the moderate success they think will change their lives, but won't. I hadn't checked my reviews on Amazon for a while, but they can really help in the battle to sell copies, so you're always hoping for another four or five star one to pop up. So you can imagine how delighted I was to see the latest review. A rare one star summation from Annie U! What? Doesn't Annie like balls? Has she got a problem with cancer? Not really. Here is her review
"The package was NOT handed to the resident (me). I observed from the front window that the driver leaned it against my front door, in full view of the street, did not ring the bell or knock on the door but just cleared off. Anyone could have helped themselves to my package and gone off with it. To say it was handed to resident is an outright lie! It is just not good enough. The book itself was fine. So five stars for the product and ONE star for the delivery."
Whilst I have a lot of sympathy for Annie's delivery woes - it's the kind of thing that I would make a big deal of and
maybe write about in a blog or
a national newspaper in thre redundant hope that my revenge will bring a delivery service down.
BUT I wouldn't go on a website reviewing the product and blame it for the bad delivery. And if I thought the product was five stars I would give it five stars, not one (maybe airing my grievance but only shooting the messenger, not the person who wrote the brilliant message) or at the very least I'd average the star rating out to three.
Annie U has chosen the wrong medium for her understandable and pathetic anger and I am the one who suffers by getting a slightly inferior percentage rating on my book that could translate into lost sales of upwards of one or two copies. Why has she done this to me? Where can I go to write a one star review of her poor understanding of the star system?
Maybe the guy saw her at the window as well. Why was she sitting in her window waiting (admittedly I did the same for the Yodel delivery)? What made Annie think anyone would steal a copy of my book? I am practically giving the thing away on kindle and people still can't be arse to buy it. Sure they wouldn't have known it was book when they stole it, but when they found out it was they would surely return it.
Thanks for buying the book though Annie. I am here for the weirdos and obsessives and people who sit in windows hoping that something will happen to them that they can complain about in entirely the wrong forum.
Obviously I found the whole thing funny and thought it was worth tweeting and writing a blog about. But if I never become an author of the stature (in every sense) of Osman then I know who to blame. Annie fucking U. You have destroyed my burgeoning career. Sure it's been going 35 years without troubling most people, but I think I was just at the point when things were about to change for me. But that one star has ruined it all.
And you, yes you reading this, you're not much better than Annie U. Coming here reading my very occasionally entertaining thoughts for free. Why don't you get off your fat arse (actually you can stay on your fat arse) and go and write me a five star review, you absolute twot? And buy copies of the book for all your friends for Christmas (don't use Amazon though, apparently the delivery is shocking). Is that too much to ask?
Perhaps the weirdest thing about the whole thing is that one person claims to have found Annie U's review helpful. How? Why? Whoever clicked that is a worse monster than Annie.
