8262/21181
It’s sitting in first class when you have a standard class ticket now, grandad!
Off to Cheddar for my birthday weekend. This month it's 50 years since my family moved here, which means it's also 50 years since I had my goodbye birthday party in Loughborough and played cricket in the park with my friends for the last time and dad, who was the umpire, caught me out first ball and insisted that counted.
Loughborough schools had broken up when we departed, but Cheddar schools had not. So I had the unusual experience of breaking up for the summer and then having to go back to school again. An optimist might say I got to break up for summer twice, but I am not an optimist.
Today, my mum is is 30 years and 10 days older than me, mentioned that this is also the 30th anniversary of when she retired. Which means I am the same age as her when she retired. Which surely means I should retire. What do you mean you thought I had already?
That's a win at life from my mum though. 30 years and counting of retirement. Your family have grown up, your mortgage is paid off and now you can just live it up off your pension. You also need to think to do all this whilst it's still the 20th Century, but well played to Barbara anyway.
I will have to carry on working for now, if you can count devoting my life to comedy for 18 hours a day from the age of 14 working. Which I think you can. I work much harder than you pricks. I can't escape this job. Even if I retire I'll still have to observe stuff.
Also I have a huge mortgage and two kids under 11 and I live in the 21st Century, so I am fucked. And so are you. Because you have to keep ingesting my increasingly desperate content. You could choose to stop reading/buying it. That wouldn't be very fair though, given you're all responsible for encouraging me in the first place. If you'd just let me know I was shit when this started I could have given up, become a teacher, have grown up kids now and spend the rest of my life on a cruise ship because it's cheaper than an old folks home.
Work til I die. And the only way I can win is if I die sooner rather than later. That's definitely going to happen so the joke's on you.
At least I've done one good joke.
