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Tuesday 29th March 2005

So my first meeting with Germaine Greer and thus best chance so far of purloining her undergarments was a bit of a damp squib. Despite being in the same room as her for two or three hours I just didn't get a chance to bring the subject up with her.
When I arrived she was in the middle of a briefing with the host Nigel Rees in the studio and though we were introduced and Nigel mentioned something about us having had a correspondence (at which Germaine looked quizzical) he hurried me along, saying it would be discussed in the show. Thus I didn't want to spoil the surprise and so didn't mention it when Germaine came down to the dressing room area - not that I'd have got much of a chance: she was railing against the changes in the passport system that meant she now had to get a new visa or stamp on hers to get into the UK.
The issue was only very briefly mentioned in the show and then after it was all over Professor Greer disappeared into the night before I even got a chance to say goodbye, let alone to charm her out of her dug-holder. Perhaps the prospect that I might try to charm her out of her dug-holder was what assisted in propelling her out of the venue at such velocity.
In truth I wasn't going to make any serious attempt to get the bra, but it would have been nice to thank her for sending me the letter that I read out in the show. She was cordialle enough in our dealings and also helped me by mouthing one of the answers that I was struggling with during the recording, so I don't think she held any kind of grudge.
The show went fine and I didn't embarrass myself too much, though I didn't know it was Dr Johnson who had said, "Sir, there is no setting the point of precedency between a louse and a flea" nor that it was said about trying to determine which of two minor poets was the best. Another question in this round was, "Is there any mention of fleas in the Bible", which there is. I had wanted to chip in and suggest that this might be in the bit about Noah's Ark and I wondered to myself how difficult it must have been for Noah to make sure he got the requisite number of fleas. Not that it would be hard to get two, obviously that would be easy. What would be difficult would be to ensure that no more than two fleas got on to the ark when so many hairy creatures were stored in the hold. It would be a logistical nightmare. Just one or two missed fleas and the whole ark would be filled again.
Did he have to wash every single animal in a chemical bath to ensure no flea stowaways were able to get on board, whilst keeping the two chosen survivors in a little match-box. How annoying if he'd done all that and then just as he was getting the fleas on board one of them had leapt away into the waters. The flea, being too stupid to understand that Noah was his saviour would surely flee from him (that's how they got the name).
In order to prevent flea infestation he would really need two match boxes to make sure his fleas did not mate during the voyage, once again filling the boat with nasty, hopping, biting creatures. A lesser man than Noah might have thought "Oh fuck it, it'd be better for everyone if I just accidentally on purpose took no fleas on to the ark. No-one would miss them. And all the other animals would thank me for it. As well as for saving their own lives. And allowing all their friends and relations to perish.
If you think about it Noah must have been somewhat of an expert on the anatomy of all creatures, given he had to ensure that a male and female member of each species was present on his craft. So not only would he need to keep the population down to two, but he'd have to get a microsope and check that the two he had could mate. Again he resisted the temptation to take on two males and thus ensure the destruction of this useless and irritating species, as well as ensuring the first gay on gay flea action ever in history.
Noah was an idiot in many ways. But a fastidious idiot. Which is why God chose him for the job, no doubt.

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