I was pulling out of my road in my car. The traffic going to the left was at a stand-still, but I was going right. A man in a van indicated that he was letting me out and I started to move. But thankfully I didn't just take his word for it and looked up the road for bikes. One was racing towards me. I braked and he did the slightest swerve and collision was avoided. It wasn't close to being an accident, but it would have been one had my brain not got into gear before my car could.
We're all just a heartbeat away from wrecking someone's life, as well as our own. If I killed a cyclist (or anyone) then that would be a hard thing to deal with, but also (much more importantly) make it seem a bit inappropriate to be doing a show about death. I might eventually get a routine out of it. But I think August would be too soon. Plus I might be in prison. Again might be a good spin if I was in gaol in Edinburgh and people had to visit me to see my show. But it's probably too late to arrange that now.
It's terrifying to think that one tiny second of failing to concentrate could have such appalling consequences (as the injury of a stranger, more than the repercussions on my Edinburgh show). It was hot which makes us relaxed and lazy and there were lots of distractions. I wonder if accidents soar when we get sunshine.
As it was all I got was a shitty look for the cyclist (but it was telling that it was so far away from being a collision that there was time for him to compose the shitty look - it was more of a "I am glad you noticed me, think what could have been" rather than "What the fuck do you think you were doing you fucker!"
We both went on our ways, unaffected beyond slightly raised heartbeats and me envisioning what might have happened if I wasn't such an excellent driver. Our lives hang by threads and there are maniacs running around with scissors.
I got to Croydon though. I used to make this drive over to South London quite a lot, but it felt like a long time since I'd done it and on the way back particularly I enjoyed being reminded of things that had happened on the streets that I was passing. It's very hard to believe that a decade has passed since this part of town was my home. But memories stretch right back to the early 90s when I first moved there.
I also passed a garage that called itself Kwick-Fit, which was only half a mile from an actual Kwik-Fit. I can't imagine that they'll be allowed to get away with that for long. But I also thought that as a punter I wouldn't go to that garage. Because their weak attempt at appearing like they're something else doesn't make me think they're funny, just dishonest. I wonder how many flies end up in their web.
Tonight's gig was very hot and I sweated into my T-shirt. Someone said afterwards that it looked like a sweat-angel was slowly forming on my chest throughout the show. And I joked that that was all intentional and that the special effects had cost me thousands of pounds. But he thought that maybe God was trying to tell me not to take the piss.
After the 350 enthusiastic Bristolians, the 50 Croydonians had a lot to live up to and it was a bit harder to get them going. But bit by bit I am creeping towards having a show. I dropped two more sections and it was closer to an hour, but I think I need at least one of them back. The story of me murdering ants though is gone. At least until the tour.
Minor excitement this lunch time when the "10" DVDs arrived. As you will probably remember I am giving a free copy of this 145 minute DVD to everyone who attends "We're All Going To Die!" at the Fringe this year (you will also get a copy if you paid to get your name in the show programme - but only if I have your address, about a quarter of you have not furnished me with that information- I've started the process of sending the signed programmes out much earlier than usual, so you should get them before the Fringe starts). But if you can't make it to Edinburgh in August and are desperate to own this DVD (which has my favourite routine from each of my previous 9 shows, plus some other bits of chat and nonsense) then you're in luck. We're selling a limited number of them at
Go Faster Stripe (partly because they cost more to produce than anticipated so I need to sell a few to escape bankruptcy!) So order quick and this best of me DVD can be yours (and it costs about the same as a ticket to my show, which makes the deal for those of you coming to Edinburgh even better). Snap it up whilst you can, cos when they're gone, they're gone. I won't be giving the DVD away at tour gigs. It's just an Edinburgh thing.
And whilst you're at the website you could do worse than buying Ben Moor's book, which they've just started selling too!
