A lot of people playing it cool about the imminent birth of the Royal baby, letting everyone know that they couldn't care less about it. Which was odd because I don't bother mentioning the stuff that I couldn't care less about it. Due to me not caring less about it. Maybe this is just another baby squeezing its way out of a hole that seems too small for it to get through, which happens millions of times a day. But what makes this baby slightly unusual is that it is pretty much guaranteed to get its name in the history books. You can't say that about many babies. That might not be fair and it might not mean much if you're guaranteed fame before you've even done anything, but it does single this particular lump of sexcrement out from the others a little bit.
And there was the added slight bit of excitement because if this baby had a little clacker rather than a tiny penis then it would, for the first time in modern UK history, get to be the monarch regardless if any future Royal babies were born with a penis. I would prefer a world where we don't have a Royal family, but this development is one step closer to making them more relevant and ultimately obsolete. So I was hoping for a girl, because it would be something.
My wife said that she thought it would definitely be a boy. She thought that the more elderly royals would only have agreed to this ground-breaking destruction of the sexism inherent with the monarchy because now there is the technology to choose the sex of a child and the Royals certainly have the money to pay for this service. It's hard to tell from just one birth and it might take several centuries to find out if she is right (and even then statistically speaking it's not that unlikely that say the next five times that an heir to the throne is born they will just happen to be male). But if you're reading this in 3013 and we've had nothing but male monarchs in the UK (I am presuming you are laughing at me, because the Royal family was abolished in 2045 and we're now ruled by our alien/robot overloards) then you will know that my wife was right. And I can deal with that. As long as she is only proven right about 950 years after her death then it's no skin off my nose.
But I realised with a start as all this was being discussed that regardless of the sex of this baby, it was highly unlikely that I would live to see them crowned. Even if the public hasn't come to its senses and overthrown the monarchy and guillotined all aristocrats and bankers and Tories then I simply won't be around. It's likely that William will be my last King (I am assuming Charles will never make it) and there's an excellent chance that I will live my entire life as an Elizabethan. So it wouldn't have made any odds to me if the baby had been a girl. Barring unexpected death or a terrorist plot I would not have got to see the first Queen of England under the new rules. And even if I had been lucky enough to see nearly the entire Royal family wiped out in a bizarre gardening accident, I still won't see that happen, due to the suspicious fact that the new baby just happened to be a boy (I mean what are the chances?). Unless someone mistook the umbilical cord for a penis. That's my only hope of witnessing something historical. A terrible doctor and a terrorist atrocity. Please make this little boy's dream come true, God.
Acutally just checked and realised that my own penis is just an umbilical cord. Please make this little girl's dream come true, God.
On the plus side, the birth of any child from Will and Kate makes it pretty unlikely that Harry will ever be king. Which is a blessed relief.
So the Republican in me clearly doesn't give any kind of a toss about a Royal baby being born. But the historian in me is pleased to greet a new and guaranteed historical figure (this person will feature at least in the family tree whatever may come). He could become a lot more historical if he hacks off his own penis, but he's still guaranteed a small piece of history. Especially if he becomes the first UK monarch to have a gay marriage. And reassuringly I might live to see that.
